A few years ago, Mudita set out from her native village in Styria, Austria, to find answers to the inner emptiness she was experiencing.
It was in April 2009 when I left my home in Styria, Austria. I had just completed my studies in physics – with main emphasis on solar physics – had regained my freedom and could start a new life. But I was not happy. I felt a deep emptiness inside of me, and although I had everything on the outside (a perfect home, family, friends, and enough money to survive) I was not able to enjoy that. Nothing really touched me, nothing really interested me.
I had read a lot of books about life and I had created in my mind a view of this world, that everything is perfect, every situation, every meeting had meaning, and I thought to understand the meaning of life. But still, it did not touch me, I could not enjoy and this inner emptiness did not leave me. So I decided to leave home to search for a place where I could feel at home inside, and where I could live a life with inner fulfillment.
I knew that
I didn’t want
to live with
this inner emptiness.
First I travelled throughout Israel, Egypt, and South Africa, met many lovely new friends and saw interesting places, but still that inner emptiness did not vanish. So I decided finally to go to India to find inner peace through spirituality. At that time I had no idea about meditation, yoga, any masters or gurus or India, and also I did not know what it means to be fulfilled inside. I only knew that I didn’t want to live with that inner emptiness.
After some months moving around in India, again having an awareness of my inner emptiness, I realized that I can travel widely in India without seeing any spirituality there. I understood that even if something were there, it didn’t mean that I could see it. I made a decision to visit different ashrams, to do meditation and yoga and maybe that would fulfill me. So I visited some ashrams, did yoga and meditation and I remember that very day when I was in Kerala at Sivananda Yoga Vedanta Dhanwantari Ashram in Neyyar Dam, participating in the daily yoga lessons when I first had a feeling that something had changed. My body was very tired and there was pain, but there was also a very subtle feeling of inner peace. Even though my mind did not change, I understood that something had started happening inside of me.
After that I visited another ashram and met a new friend. His luminous eyes and his peaceful character attracted me strongly. This friend helped me to see the beauty in every moment, to feel that every moment is unique and perfect and to enjoy such moments; hence I called this friend my master friend. He helped me to find deeper to myself, to find the inner witness inside of me and to understand what is happening. He also often told me about Osho and Krishnamurti, his masters.
Now my travels continued more often with a feeling of joy, and the search for enlightenment started burning inside of me. I wanted to become enlightened and that was my only wish. As my visa was about to expire, I went to Nepal where by chance I found out that there is an Osho Meditation Centre, Osho Tapoban. I decided spontaneously to join a meditation camp, remembering my master friend.
When I entered the centre and joined the first evening meditation, I was delightfully surprised about this kind of meditation that included dancing, having fun and celebrating, something I hadn’t known about before, and I felt very much at home there. The strong effect of these active meditations and the joyful way of doing meditation impressed me very much. But still there was some fear arising in me, and after three days I left.
Soon I came back though as I had a feeling that I had missed, and I could not forget about it and hadn’t finished with that experience. So again I joined a one week meditation camp, and again I felt at home very quickly; I loved the people there and felt a deep connection to them. I participated in the meditations and took it all very seriously, like I used to do. Sometimes people asked me if I wanted to take sannyas and I replied, that I don’t need to take sannyas, I feel very much connected and for me every master is the same, and I can love them without that too.
On the last day of that camp, when all sannyas celebrations were over, I went like usual to the evening meditation. When I arrived in the meditation hall I saw that the hall was prepared for another sannyas celebration. When I asked a friend, he told me that there would be a second sannyas celebration because some guests had just arrived and wanted to take sannyas. When I sat there and waited for the celebration to start, a very impulsive emotion arose in me. My heart started beating very strongly and in my mind the thought came up that I called myself a seeker of truth, but that I am not even able to surrender myself and take one step into the unknown.
I could not resist any longer, this feeling overpowered me, and so I asked that friend sitting next to me if he knew if it would still be possible to take sannyas! He stood up and went to ask and then I was sent to my room to take a shower and dress myself. I had to hurry and there was no time for thinking so I found myself soon sitting among the people who were going to take sannyas. I could not listen and couldn’t understand any word that was spoken, I only felt such a strong emotion inside of me and such a strong heart beat.
While waiting for my turn, I had my eyes closed, and I was crying as if my ego heart was breaking and at the same time I felt such a huge liberation inside of me, so wonderful. It was a special day, a special step for me and the love affair with Osho started!
After that initiation I really felt very steady and free and began to understand what people told me before, that with sannyas the meditation gets deeper. I received the name Ma Dhyan Mudita, which means joyful meditation. When I got that name, I was little bit disappointed, as I wanted to get a name that includes the word or meaning of enlightenment…
I stayed at Osho Tapoban for a few more days and then felt free to go on with my travels. I decided not to visit any more countries as I had planned before, but to return to India, because I felt I hadn’t finished there. I again visited some places and met Osho sannyasins who showed me on an experimental level what it means to live a life in that sense and went to some Osho meditation centres in the North (Gangadham) and middle of India, and my meditation became deeper and my mind more clear.
One day, I had a vision. I just knew why my life was and is exactly how it was and is. I knew why my family is like it is, why my home is like it is, and why I took all these steps in life that I took. It became so clear for me what my part in this life is and why I am here on Earth. I knew that now was the time to return to my home. I knew that my mission is to bring meditation to the people at home. And my place at home is perfect for that. I knew even that it would be hard in the beginning to face reality at home and to realize my vision, but I knew it so deeply, that nothing was more real to me and there was no space for any discussion about it. So I returned home to Austria.
Read about what happens to Mudita back home is Austria in the next issue…2349