Under His Roof

In 1976 Vivek came to me where I was cleaning books in the library. “Bhagwan asks if you would like to move into Lao Tzu House,” she said. “There’s a condition – you would have to be in the house, alone, by 11:00 every night.”

Here is what leapt out of my mouth: “But I have this really active social life!”

“Just let me know within twenty-four hours,” she said comfortably, and glided away.

Of course, I knew within minutes what my answer had to be, and I ran to find her. Soon after that I went to darshan.

“Hmmm, Madhuri?” said the Glowing Pool of Light before my gape-jawed gaze. “Choose one man, and be only with him for the next six months. And remember your curfew!”

And so I chose Veda, putting aside, not without regret (and not forever) a certain satin-skinned, soft-voiced Aussie. Veda was my sweetie, my chum, my delicious, bright-as-new-pebbles lover. Here was the new routine: We had hot dates every night at his place and then I would creep, at one or two or three minutes past 11:00, back through the side door of Lao Tzu, and scuttle down the hall to the room I shared with Veena.

Great seismic waves went through the ashram at the news of my installation in Lao Tzu, for I was famously wild, flamboyantly dressed in flouncy velvet skirts, backless or strapless gowns and turbans, or jumpsuits with gold heeled chappals. I was generally driven, compulsive, insistently doing my best to live – which meant, men men men.

Assignations in dim rooms in thick-walled villas with the rain splashing down outside…in treehouses, in bamboo huts. That was how I contrived to stay alive. But at that time couples were the ‘in’ thing, and women wore what I called ‘nursey-dresses’, with short sleeves, high round necks, and darts. Not my style! People were generally trying to be spiritual (this was long before he started telling raunchy jokes in discourse!) and I did not fit the job description at all! I have often supposed this was why he moved me in there – to confound everybody!

Well, here is what I did with the opportunity: I had this idea, see, that being in a relationship meant fighting – I thought that really alive people yelled, screamed, catharted, etc etc. Isn’t that what encounter groups told us? So even though Veda was purely adorable and confiding, and kissed so plumply and nicely, and I did not at all feel like yelling at him, I made myself (because for many years of my youth I operated thusly: If it feels bad, do it – it must be good for your soul. I got into a lot of weird situations, as you might imagine) I would consciously act angry – just because it was difficult. I would not feel it, but I would try; push it! Oh yes, I tried so intensely to be a good encounter groupie sort!

Once dear Veda made for me a beautiful birthday present: two wooden chalices inlaid with silver. To prove that I was a worthwhile seeker, I crushed them in a vice in the woodworking shop – just because I thought I ought! It was painful to do – and is painful to remember! So sorry, Veda!

One day at lunchtime Veda and I were on Lao Tzu roof and I doggedly shouted at him a whole bunch. (The master must have heard!) Soon after that I began to feel strange, a sort of weight somewhere in my middle. My eyes went yellow…and I, and two-thirds of the ashram, came down with hepatitis A! I had two blissful weeks in the hospital in Krishna House during which I was far too weak to Do. It was wonderful! I just lay there completely limp and at peace! When I got out I found that Deeksha had sent her minions into my space and they’d taken away my beautiful fuchsia velvet skirt, my hippie-raggy lungis, my sexy strappy robes.

They had also taken all the gifts the master had given me, and my passport! I staggered weakly along behind the canteen and there I spied it – a pile of my clothes, like a heap of emaciated gypsies. I bent down and seized as many as I could hold and began to drag them away with me, with the last of my ravaged strength. Venu, in a nursey-dress, came out of a door and stood there, saying sternly, “Madhuri, this is not the way!”

Ha ha, I thought angrily, What does she know?

Soon after that Arup came and found me where I was sunning on Jesus House roof and told me that Bhagwan had said I was not to move back in to Lao Tzu.

There was this Moment…where it all hit me, but sweetly, truly; tears went down my cheeks, but nothing felt wrong about the message. I just accepted it as it came to me…My mind did not become involved really; it just Was.

Next day Bhagwan spoke about me in discourse: “I have moved Madhuri out from my house. Just to live with me does not mean that you are close to me. But see did not become angry. See cried – but see was not angry. And now many more blessings will be sowering on her.” His voice was loving!

And so Veda and I were moved in together, in a little ‘room’ with cloth walls on Jesus House lower roof. And there we had a wonderful time, having giggling fits when objects would fall off shelves and under the ‘wall,’ and bantering back and forth with Vasumati and Aneesha, who shared a space next door. And Veda and I went on to act out all our obligatory messy infidelities, jealousies and so on to our hearts’ content.

I never lived in Osho’s house again until just after he left India in 1981. Then I was assigned a mattress and a mozzie net on the verandah upstairs with many other people, most of whom seemed to be Englishmen who reacted to the big change by getting very drunk every night. I’d hear them tripping over mozzie net ropes when they came home; and in the morning there they’d be, flat on their faces on the white tiles, somewhere amongst the many beds. And I thought what a pity it was, this gross behaviour in the master’s house; and I felt uneasy and lost.

Article by Madhuri