Anger Release for Couples: Safe and Transformative

Healing & Meditation

A technique explained by Madhuri.


Couples have struggles, as we all know. We are attracted to someone because they are different from us – they bring something we don’t have; they seem in certain ways to complete us.

Then, later, when the honeymoon has worn off, we blame them for that very difference.

Also, people who live together are in danger of dumping on each other their own disappointments, bad moods, irritations.

My own idea is that couples need to practice chivalry: extra-special care not to hurt the other, since hurting is so easy to do when someone is very close to us. And just one lashing-out can undo the good of a year of cuddles and affection – no matter which sex you are.

It’s also a great idea to learn about one’s own Human Design and that of the partner, so that we can understand just how different the other is – and respect that difference.

All that being said, there might come moments in a partnership when one or both people are just really pissed off. Something offends… deeply. Something enrages. And if this rage is used against the other, great damage is done – to the person, to the relationship. Trust will never recover fully.

(The ‘fucking-and-fighting’ style many couples live with is an unhealthy roller-coaster of cheap thrills – and decidedly non-Tantric. It feeds off, and enhances, friction – when we want, in Tantra, to sink into facing the calm beneath the waves. This means, the other is different; and we aren’t fighting that difference, or our own natures. We let energies be what they are, refrain from invading or interfering, and seek the depth in ourselves.)

(When you meditate together, seeking that depth, a magical bridge is created that is sparkling, silent consciousness, beyond the frictions of difference.)

One excellent option, of course, is Dynamic meditation. This is highly recommended! But there is a place too for a fairly quick, simple method which is very freeing and very effective. It releases the anger, inspires respect and compassion (and maybe awe,) and doesn’t hurt anybody. I learned it long ago in the Mystery School and have found it amazing in its results.

The Method

You are really angry at your partner, but you don’t want to explode onto them. Stay aware! This is an important moment.

Stack pillows on the floor. (It’s good to own a stack of pillows/cushions you don’t like, and keep them somewhere for times like this.)

Your partner is sitting in the room, perhaps 5 or 10 feel away – at the side of you, not behind or in front.

Explain to your partner that you are going to release your anger you are feeling, but without harming anyone. Ask them if they are willing to be present.

Then, facing the pillows, NOT your partner, kneel up on your knees, arms raised above your head, hands together in a fist. Again, DO NOT FACE YOUR PARTNER. NEVER aim the anger in their direction. ALL energy will be focussed on the pillows only; so you should be facing a wall behind the pillows; not the wall where your partner is sitting.

Bring your fists down onto the stack of pillows, again, again – letting your pelvis rock and fully participate as you expel the sounds and energies of your rage. Don’t hold back! Let it all come out! Let your pelvis, your first chakra, your belly, your hips, rock and thrust and be alive in it!

And let the rage out! All of it, the whole shitteree (as my beloved ex used to say!)


It doesn’t take long – it is like having a good shit – and it works only WHEN YOU ARE TOTAL – so let yourself feel the joy of all that murder in you right then… ON THE PILLOW.

When the rage is all out, lie down still, flat on your back, for 10 minutes with your eyes closed, Corpse Pose, arms/legs not crossed.

This is a very important step – this silence is when you integrate. Don’t skip it – or the anger is apt to return later on.

Then you can change over, if the other wants also to release. Even if the partner isn’t feeling angry, it won’t hurt to give it a try. If the partner really doesn’t want to though, no matter – it’s better one releases than neither.

Here’s the amazing thing: Watching someone take this care to totally release their inner animal – a thing they can’t help having – and not hurting you with it – inspires respect and admiration. Yes, you are seeing the partner at their most vulnerable – they are showing you something ugly, terrible, scary – but they are being conscious with it.

This is awesome!

Afterwards, you can share with each other how it was for you – to hit pillows, to watch.

Thank your partner.


Madhuri is a healer, artist, poet and author of several books, The Teenage Poems and What I’ve Learned Since being her latest one.

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