Fumbling Towards Freedom: Initiations on the Path of Awakening

A review by Punya of Rajyo’s memoir; “Her recountings run off the pages you hardly notice that, inevitably, you have again gone past your bedtime.”

Fumbling Towards Freedom:
Initiations on the Path of Awakening
by Rajyo Allen – alchemyofawakening.net
Manor House Publishing Inc – manor-house-publishing.com
Ancaster, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, 2022
240 pages
Available as Hardcover, Paperback or Kindle from oshoviha.org – Amazon

How many memoirs by sannyasins can you read in a year? Well, how many sannyasin friends can you have? The number is unlimited. And equally unlimited is the wealth of experiences we have brought to the table, and can bring to paper! As our Laxmi used to say so lovingly, “There are many flowers in Osho’s garden.” And each one with such a unique connection to the Master, such a different background, upbringing, shape of body (in her case read: beauty), ways of processing what life has on its menu.

Rajyo’s start in life was not easy, with her mother being very ill, then dying when Rajyo was just five years old. The way she came to terms with this loss, and all the other losses she had to endure in her life – boyfriends, business ventures, parts of her body, her father – has the unique stamp of her personality, based on an amazing amount of wisdom she had gained through these events exactly; but also through her deep understanding of psychology, which she has for many years been sharing in workshops.

Despite the pain we feel while reading some of the passages, it is generally a joyful, colourful and sometimes humorous read. Her writing style is swift and natural, honest and naked, raw and to the bone, and as her recountings run off the pages you hardly notice that, inevitably, you have again gone past your bedtime.

The use of the word ‘Fumblings’ in the title shows the humility, humour, integrity and honesty of this author. Are we not all ‘fumbling’ through our lives; trying out this, trying out that, following one route, then making a detour, falling over and making a big mess out of it, then gasping some air from the surface, to swim along a bit, to just lose the footing in the mud again? Sometimes things make sense, most of time they don’t. Rajyo, however, very often manages to contain what has happened to her in a frame. As in this part, towards the end of the book, where we hear her father, her life’s anchor’s voice:

“You were doing the best you could with what you knew at the time.”

His words entered me like a healing force, spreading their balm over my past and all my ‘mistakes’. I could forgive myself. I could relax and let go of the habit of criticising myself for not making wiser choices in life. I shed tears of relief, and a doorway opened to my father’s presence and his eternal love for me. […]

From the enlightened perspective, it is just life happening, and we are simply instruments in a grand orchestra; we play our various parts in the unfolding of life. […]

To know that I am not the doer of my life, to get out of the way and to see how magnificently life is living me, is my deepest understanding.

Of course, in this short review, I have only been able to touch on a few points that impressed me. I therefore invite you to discover all her many other gems by yourselves. And thanks to Bhikkhu for the recommendation. All I can do it to pass it on. Thank you, Rajyo!