Divakar, confronted with the unexpected situation of running a three-week Mystic Rose by himself for the first time, writes: “It is in adversity that we grow and this last month has shown that in no uncertain terms.”
The picture above is of me arriving in Dharamshala at the foothills of the Himalayas. It was 2013 and I was there for my first Mystic Rose and training run by my mum Leela. It feels a bit serendipitous that this photo showed up as a memory on my feed this morning, hours after returning from running a Mystic Rose, also in India, but in the southern tropical forested mountains of Kerala.
Organising, promoting and running a three-week retreat is no mean feat, but in particular, this one really challenged me as a person and as a group leader. Over these years Leela and I have co-facilitated the process and training, and this one was to be her Swan song, a final farewell and entry into retirement from what had been her life’s work for well over three decades.
Due to a visa mishap, she was not granted entry to India and was unceremoniously sent back to Australia.
I was faced with taking on the responsibility of facilitating the group alone. Although experienced in the process and having run some shorter versions of it by myself, this would be my first attempt to lead the full twenty-one-day process alone. I couldn’t cancel, people were already arriving from all over the world expecting to meet Leela and be a part of her final retreat. I was in shock. All our plans had been thrown out the window.
It is in adversity that we grow and this last month has shown that in no uncertain terms. It has been an extraordinary learning curve for me as a facilitator and as a human being, confronting not just the disappointments of others, but even more than that, the disappointment I felt with myself. This is old pain and old stuff that needed to be confronted.
I had to see how the trigger of people being upset and disappointed about not having their expectations met, threw me in all directions, anger, resignation, defeat, rationalisation, blah blah blah.
I had to really find a way to stand up for myself and back myself. Not with emotional control and repression, but with love and forgiveness. I’m not perfect. I fuck up. I lose my shit and collapse. Yes, and it’s ok, I am what I am. But with the support of those around me who love and believe in me with all their hearts, I felt safe enough to allow myself to grieve an idea I have about who I am and how I think I should be seen. The Ego, the need to be special, the need to be admired, the terror of being ridiculed and criticised. A thin skin that comes from the small boy, scared and needing to belong and to be included.
Leadership can be a lonely road at times but strangely, I come out of this episode with a new, deeper, and definitely healthier inspiration to take on the task of supporting others in their growth. I feel hungry to dive into this work with the new learnings and insight that I have been forced to confront during this challenge.
I would never have cancelled the retreat, because I have found that something good, something from the universe always comes from standing in the storm, and indeed the retreat was life-changing for many of the participants. We laughed, we cried and we screamed, allowing at least some of a lifetime of despair and pain to surface and be released.
It’s never fucking easy, but we keep going, layer by layer. We clean the dust from our souls and feel some freshness in our beings and in our lives. Time to rest is deeply welcome, but I feel more ready now than I ever have to go again.
First published on Facebook
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