A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant…

A man goes for a walk along the river.

A mechanic is removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley…

A woman working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins…

The following was written, allegedly*, by the late Douglas Adams of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy fame

Enrich your vocabulary…

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

What is the difference between ‘completed’ and ‘finished’?

A Jewish boy walks up to his father…

A captain notices a light in the distance on a collision course with his sip.

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

We asked the Alaska Department of Fish and Game

…..

A Jewish mother gives his son two sweaters for Hanukkah.

One Hanukkah, a young man named Jake was coming to visit his grandmother in her new apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan…

My wife sent me a text that said, “Your great.”

Perfectly politically correct jokes

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can’t look that old? Well…

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

One-liners by the American comedian.

Working people frequently ask us pensioners what we do to make our days interesting.

Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?

…the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich

A wife comes home late at night…

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

A man walked into the produce section of his local Coles supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The two friends met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

Never knew this even after years of using a computer.

A man wanted to get married.

A young Law student, having failed his exams, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

…of course love affairs!

A foursome of men waiting at the men’s tee while a four-ball of ladies were hitting from the ladies’ tee.

The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-glazed, energy-efficient kind.

Statements with translations.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends.

To be sung on the melody of My Favorite Things from the movie Sound Of Music.

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

A blonde woman was speeding down the I-5 in her little pink sports car…

A few short ones…

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

by Steven Wright.

I got pulled over on the way back home from grabbing a McDonald’s with my niece.

Little Billy returns home from school…

There are 15 of them…

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked…

by Steven Wright.

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

A mortician was working late one night.

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

A teacher asks her class:

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night…

There were three good arguments that he was…

A police officer called the station on his radio.