A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for dinner and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting on his coat and hat to make his way down to the local pub. He turns to his wee wife before leaving and says, “Maggie – put your hat and coat on, lassie.” She replies, “Awe, Jock, that’s nice, are you taking me tae the pub with you?” “Nay,”
A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says: “7ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.” The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to
She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
Published in zeenews.india.com, India, on August 10, 2015
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man. Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Doctor’s office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results. In a Nairobi
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out
At a sexologist convention the lecturer makes a short study with those present in the audience. “Hands up for those who do it every day,” he asks. He counts the hands and marks the number on a piece of paper. “Hands up for those who do it once a week.” Again he counts and marks
A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her.
Day 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Day 2 Entire day at…
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in
A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. She was expecting something like this: But her husband presented her with something very different… scroll The husband is in a critical but stable
A highly successful HR Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St Peter welcomed her: “Before you get settled in,” he said, “We have a little problem… you see, we’ve never had a HR Manager make it this far before and we’re not really
You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51?
Little Ernie’s parents have invited the local Protestant priest and his wife to tea. Ernie has been told to be on his best behavior, and to say “Please” and “Thank you” at all times. But Ernie is having trouble, and by the end of the afternoon is almost ready to burst. “Would you like some
by Andy Borowitz, published in The New Yorker on May 12, 2015
Published in ‘the Onion’ – a farcical US newspaper featuring world, national and community news, on May 8, 2015.
A New Age musician from California is convinced that wild animals have a friendly, loving nature, which will respond to beautiful music. To test his theory he goes to the African jungle, finds a clearing in the forest, and starts to softly play his guitar. Within minutes, from out of the jungle, animals of all
The new priest in the village, young Father Feever, is coming to visit the Side-bottom household. So Little Sally’s mother gives her daughter some instructions. “If the new priest asks you your name,” says Mrs. Side-bottom, ” say ‘Sally-Jane’. And if he asks you how old you are, say you are seven years old. And
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow last Saturday and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” At the mall on Monday, my sister and I passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking
Whip-speedy humorous monologue by Marty Cobb, a Southwest flight attendant who got on the Ellen Show in April 2014.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass