A selection from The Guardian
German
Treffen sich zwei Planeten, sagt der eine zum anderen: “Na wie geht’s?”
Sagt der andere: “Nicht so gut, ich hab Homo Sapiens.”
Darauf antwortet der erste: “Ja das kenn ich, mach dir nichts draus, das geht vorbei.”
Two planets meet. The first asks: “So, how are you?”
The second answers: “Well, I’m sick, I’ve got Homo Sapiens.”
The first replies: “Oh, I know that one. No worries, it’ll pass.”
Italian
Due carabinieri seguono le notizie sulla crisi in Ucraina al telegiornale.
Il primo è preoccupato: “L’Ucraina è molto lontana da noi, vero?”
L’altro: “Oh no è vicinissima! La mia donna delle pulizie arriva ogni mattina in bicicletta!”
Two Carabinieri are watching the news about the Ukrainian crisis on TV.
The first one is worried. “The Ukraine is really far from here, isn’t it?”
The second one: “Oh no, it’s actually really close instead! My cleaning lady arrives every morning on her bycicle!”
Estonian (by comedian Janika Maidle)
Ma olen vallaline ja see on valik.
Nende valik, kes pole nõus minuga välja tulema.
I am single by choice.
A choice made by those reluctant to date me.
Dutch
Twee Belgische boeven besluiten om in de nacht een overal te gaan plegen op een bank. Ze hebben de overval goed voorbereid en besproken zodat ze op de bewuste nacht zonder enige problemen de bank binnen kunnen komen. Die nacht gaan ze inbreken en zonder dat ook maar één van de alarmsystemen afgaat komen ze in de kamer met alle kluizen. De eerste Belg krijgt één van de kluizen open, maar schrikt zich rot wanneer hij erachter komt dat er alleen één potje yoghurt staat. De twee Belgische boeven beginnen alle kluizen open te breken en één voor één vinden ze elke keer weer een potje yoghurt. De ene Belg zegt: “We zijn voor de gek gehouden! Laten we alle yoghurt opeten om hen terug te pakken” en direct beginnen de twee Belgen alle yoghurt op te eten. Wanneer alle yoghurt op is vertrekken de twee Belgen met een volle buik. De volgende dag staat er op de voorpagina van de krant: “Onbegrijpelijke inbraak in de spermabank.”
Two Belgians decide to rob a bank at night. They have planned it carefully so that they will have no trouble entering. On the night of the robbery, not a single alarm goes off. When they enter the bank they come across a room filled with vaults. The first Belgian manages to open one of the vaults, only to discover there is nothing inside except a small bowl of yoghurt. The two Belgians open up all the vaults, one by one, and each vault only contains a small bowl of yoghurt. “We have been cheated! Let’s eat all the yoghurt to get back at them!” The two Belgians eat all the yoghurt and leave with their bellies full. The next day all the papers have the same headline: “Unexplained robbery at spermbank.”
Hebrew
יהודיה פולניה קמה באמצע טיסה לארה”ב וצועקת: “יש כאן רופא??”. בחור נחמד ורציני ניגש אליה מהר ואומר לה: “כן מה הבעיה?”. היא עונה לו: “אתה רוצה אולי להכיר את הבת שלי?”.
A Polish Jewish woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts: “Is there a doctor here?”
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and says: “I am. What is the problem?”
She replies: “Do you want to meet my daughter?”
(or, “Would you like to meet a nice, well brought-up Jewish girl?”)
Macedonian
Само 20 проценти од Македонците живеат во стрес и револт. Другите 80 проценти живеат во Австралија, Америка, Канада, Германија, Шведска, Велика Британија …
Only 20% of Macedonians live in stress and revolt. The other 80% live in Australia, the US, Canada, Germany, Sweden, the UK…
Danish (by comedian Sofie Hagen)
I England har jeg lært et nyt udtryk: Dellejæger. Som tyk person synes jeg, at det er mega-underligt. Prø’li’hør, der er aldrig som sådan behov for en jagt. Jeg løber ikke.
Here in England, I learned a new word: chubbychaser. As a fat person, I find that hilarious. Look, there’s never a need for a chase. I don’t run.
Hungarian
Ki az: korán reggel kel, fehér köpenye van, kenyeret süt, de nem pék?
De, pék.
What do you call a man who wakes up early in the morning, wears a white apron, bakes bread, but is not a baker?
No, it IS a baker!
Dutch (by comedian Rayen Panday)
Ik woon nog thuis, mijn voorouders komen uit India, die zijn gehaald naar suriname en mijn ouders zijn verhuisd van Suriname naar Amsterdam. Daar ben ik geboren en ik heb niet echt een binding met Suriname of India, maar ik moet je zeggen. Ik vind het wel een beetje raar thuis met die twee buitenlanders.
I still live at home. My great-grandparents are from India, they moved to Surinam, and my parents moved from Surinam to Amsterdam. And I’m born and raised in Amsterdam, but I don’t really have a connection with Surinam and India. I feel Dutch. But I gotta say, it’s a little strange living at home with those two immigrants.
Spanish
Qué le dijo una uva verde a una uva morada?
Respira por Dios!
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Oh my God, breathe!
Bosnian
Bosanac uhvati zlatnu ribicu i ona kaže pusti me ispuniću ti želju a bosanac kaže kakva želja nosim te zlataru zlato je zlato.
A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: “Let me go and I will grant you one wish.”
The Bosnian says: “No way, I’ll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold.”
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