by illustrious and witty people
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
— Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
— Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
— George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
— Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
— Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe..
— Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
— Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
— Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
— Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
— Joe Namath
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
— Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
— W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
— Will Rogers
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
— Winston Churchill
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
— Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
— Billy Crystal
Featured image: actress Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress, at Kastrup Airport (detail) commons.wikimedia.org
Note: the quotes have not been fact-checked
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