Influencer Bashes Self-Help Guru: Judge Dismisses Charges

An influencer with 6 million followers, who goes by the name Shasta Fizz, was charged with 5 counts of battery last Monday. Her husband, Socrates Wellborn, a Nondualist self-help guru (600,000 followers) said that Fizz had beaten him about the head with her artichoke-leather cross-body bag; then, when he did not stop attempting to counsel her verbally, she threw her GoPro camera at him, followed by a bowlful of wild-mushroom hummus, which she rubbed into his face. She then stepped back, picked up the couple’s 25-pound Maine Coon, and threw it at him, followed by a cylindrical Alexa device, which summoned the police. Mr Wellborn by then was bleeding and his clothing was partially shredded, and, according to a house guest who witnessed the altercation, “he had finally shut up, except for a few groans.”

The court heard that Ms Fizz had been crying in the couple’s kitchen, in the pricey Pacific Heights district, after the near-simultaneous deaths of her mother, the Maine Coon’s brother, and a guinea pig named Chuey.

Mr. Wellborn had then told her that she did not exist, so why was she crying? He expanded on the theme, assuring her that emotions were nonsensical and useless, as someone who isn’t here would not need to take them seriously. He added that existence is an illusion because only consciousness is, and everything else is part of that, and our seemingly-separate existences are not actually real. Ms Fizz, according to the witness, “erupted like a volcano,” and began to beat Mr. Wellborn with whatever came to hand.

Judge Veronica Alvarez dismissed charges, remarking that Wellborn was guilty of mental torture, and commiserating on the losses suffered by Ms Fizz. Mr. Wellborn protested, through his attorney, that he had only been trying to help. The judge did admonish Ms Fizz for frightening the cat.

Credit to Madhuri – via a sannyasin in SF who sent it
Featured image: San Francisco City Hall upload.wikimedia.org