An excerpt from Chapter 7 of Sagarpriya’s new book, ‘The two shores of Love: inner man & inner woman’
Probably I’ll surprise you. The title of the chapter could have led you to imagine some beautiful and romantic things about love, but instead I’m going to talk about problems. These are problems that occur between the inner man and inner woman— in this chapter the superficial ones, and in the next chapter some deeper problems connected to their essence. I am hoping to give you insight into a few points that may have escaped your attention before. Then, perhaps in less time than you think, you may start to experience a quality of love that leaves you wide and unbounded both inside and outside. But first one has to face the encumbrances.
In the sections that follow you will read about four kinds of difficulties which I call “relational” and which concern indiscriminately the male and female. I mean to say that the cause of disharmony can be traced to a wrong style of relating or to a socially imposed idea, or even to a superficial cause not connected to the essence of the two characters. Once you have figured out which is the wrong idea causing a character to act in a certain way, it’s usually enough just to see it and then the dynamic between your male and female can change dramatically.
The need for independence
The relations in which we are engaged inside and outside mirror each other, but with one important difference. When we move toward the outer world, there seem to be many options. If we don’t get what we want from one person, we can go to somebody else. But in our inner world, in the subconscious, it is not like that. One polarity wants to receive love from the other as if it represents the only existing source. When this source is closed or dry, the first polarity doesn’t perceive any other possibility for exchange. And that is why, even if outside you go in search of a new partner in order to feel satisfied, inside you feel frustrated because you are searching for a love that never arrives. If you want to put an end to suffering, you first have to break this unconscious inner dependency.
In the interior relationship, there can be one polarity that doesn’t respect the other’s need for independence. One polarity doesn’t give the other the space to be alone. Sometimes it’s the male that doesn’t allow any time-out to the other, sometimes it’s the female.
However, the need for aloneness is a real need; no one can survive without it. It all depends on how you live this independence. There are two ways— one succeeds, while the other fails. The way that works is what I call “love.” It’s a yes to oneself, a relaxing into one’s energy, letting choices come from a flowing source inside. The way that doesn’t work is a reaction to the other, a “no.” You close up, you construct a wall around yourself, you become unreachable. Actually, in this second mode one doesn’t obtain freedom at all but its opposite: one remains tied to the other by a desire, even if it’s negative. For example, if it is the man who wants independence and he chooses reaction, saying “no” to the woman, the result is that she will try to possess him more and more. And he, more and more, will want to get away. That’s why I say that they are bound together by desire.
When an interior couple has this problem I have to know, as a therapist, which of the two parts is actually the more capable to be on its own, alone but in a “yes” to life. It’s not always the one demanding freedom! Sometimes I have to say to the possessive polarity, “You don’t need to control the other, you can create your happiness yourself.” But other times I feel that with just a tiny “click,” the reactive one could become creative, and then I say to that one, “You have no need to react, you can relax in your love.”
Now, just to be fair to the two sexes, I’m going to reverse the example. This time, imagine that it’s the inner man who prevents the inner woman from having any independence. But he is tricky. First, he establishes his superiority by saying, “I see things more clearly than you do,” or “My point of view is more trustworthy.” After he has put himself on the pedestal, his judgments begin: “You are not strong enough,” “You are too passive,” “You’re too emotional,” “You take too much time,” “You can’t earn money by being so sensitive,” “You don’t know the world.” The woman will be confused. The man is negating all of her best qualities. So by this trick of making judgments, one polarity can literally take the wind out of the other’s sails.
In this case, the woman will have to learn to trust in her qualities, to give them value. Life would not be much fun if there were only toughness and no softness, only reason without intuition, only hard-earned cash and no sentiment. The woman has to watch out, because if she starts to believe the male’s point of view she will shrink.
Another cause of disharmony between the inner man and woman is related to economics. In the ideal situation, they both take care. The male part follows his natural inclinations, and money arrives. Same for the female. It can happen that money arrives through the skills of one part, and the other part is regenerating energy— this is also a case in which both parts are completely responsible for the economy.
Unfortunately, it’s an ideal that is almost never reached. In most cases, one part of the body carries the weight of financial responsibility for both. This situation, which is not natural, causes a disequilibrium in the system. There are social reasons, of course. One is the old idea that the man should provide financially by going to the office, while the woman should stay at home. Men have gathered power by this social convention and have preferred to leave women in a position of weakness, uneducated and incapable of work.
It happens often in sessions that I see interior couples in which the man tries to convince the woman that it is not necessary for her to work. It’s a way to confuse her, to give her the idea that she will never be able to take care of herself on a financial level. This way, the man constructs for himself an illusion of happiness— the woman is dependent on him, she will never be able to leave him, and in this sense his future is secure.
More rarely, it is the inner woman who is earning for both. By chance, I see this kind of session often because I am quite the same type, and naturally I attract people similar to myself.
The quality of the female side is less connected to business and more linked to art, beauty, and sensitivity, but this, too, can be carried to an extreme. If she is in the habit of earning money by means of her capacities, she will be protective of these. For example, if she sells jewelry in a very elegant shop where the atmosphere is silent, she won’t permit the inner man to be vital, to play around, to make jokes and gross movements. Because of her error in perspective, she may actually consider the male inferior and prevent him from contacting his own qualities. Then slowly slowly, over time, he is reduced into being her servant.
These examples were extreme. Let me give you one that is more common.
It is normally the male side of a person that takes responsibility for the job, as he is the more outgoing character. Being so occupied with the duty of earning money, he hasn’t any time to discover his deeper resources and so he remains disconnected inside. That’s why his decision about which work to do is superficial, based on other people’s ideas of suitable and lucrative professions. When such a person comes to me (who can be either a woman or a man), the male side is not aware that he doesn’t like his job. On the contrary, he will tell me that the job is going well. But when I look more closely into the right leg, I see that this job is “deadening” him, not giving any vitality to the body. Now, the female part of the same person may have a sensitivity and a capacity to love that is very developed, but she has never carried these abilities into any concrete form of work so she doesn’t realize their value. The male part, naturally, has never helped her in this because he’s convinced that she is not able to earn money with her qualities.
This female part will surely tell me that she has to follow the directives of the male. She thinks there is no other choice for her in life. But she doesn’t see that it is simply a question of economics: the minute she supports herself economically, she will no longer have to take direction from him.
If, as a therapist, I can help her to feel her strength and to take responsibility for her physical survival using her own qualities, this will also have an effect on the male part. In the beginning he will resist because he doesn’t want to lose the security that her obedience gives to him. But after a while he starts to notice how exhausted he is. Then I encourage him to take a “vacation,” a period of rest. This is a real shock for someone who has always believed he has to fight to survive. He cannot imagine work chosen for the satisfaction it brings, because he has not yet found the source of such work within himself. He will need a few months’ break and some relaxation before this connection to his interior can happen, so a “vacation” is the best thing!
And I remind the male of one more aspect to be considered: his behavior up to now has prevented the female from standing on her own legs. When she starts to do that, their relationship will improve!
Generally, my sessions have success when I can help the loving side to take economic responsibility and the disconnected side to be more playful and less serious about money.”
Read Deeva’s review, ‘The two shores of Love: inner man & inner woman‘
Sagarpriya DeLong was co-creator of the Rajneesh Counselor Training when it first began in Osho’s Pune commune in 1978. Since that time she has been leading therapist trainings in Counseling, Psychic Massage, and Star Sapphire Energywork. She is the author of ‘Psychic Massage’, ‘The Master’s Touch’ and ‘The two shores of Love’. Sagarpriya now lives in Italy. sagarpriya.it
Articles by Sagarpriya on Osho News:
Psychic Massage: Body and Psychology in One Package
The Survival Fear
Inner Male, Inner Female Experiments