The alchemy of loss and new beginnings: Death of a loved one

Part 1 of an essay by Sarita, which includes instructions for a Bardo Meditation

Going through chaos, loss and change

The human experience includes chaos, loss and change. Such a situation may come about through loss of a loved one due to a relationship ending or death, loss of a home due to changing circumstances, loss of a job due to societal changes, etc. The question is not how to avoid inevitable loss, but how to deal with it when it manifests in our life.

Our tendency is to want to cling with all our might onto hard-won security, with feelings of anger, fear or sorrow when change is upon us. We may wish to blame another, or God, for the uncomfortable shift which is happening.

In fact, upheaval and change is no one’s fault. It is simply part and parcel of the flow of life. In quantum physics, this is described as chaos – order – chaos – order. In order for evolutionary shifts to happen, the old has to be let go of, which happens during a chaos meltdown. The space that is created offers an invitation for a new and higher level of order to come into being. We can see these evolutionary waves having been part of the whole known history, whether that is civilizations rising and falling back to dust, or a plague which decimates a group of people, or whether it is on a vaster scale, suns being birthed and then dying. Out of each chaos and death cycle arises a new creation and birth cycle. In fact, the whole of creation is a vast recycling system!

On a very personal level, each human being functions like a miniature version of the cosmos. We experience waves of chaos leading to higher levels of order periodically throughout our lives. I have heard Osho say: “Out of chaos, great stars are born.” He was referring to the epoch we are now in – which is one of tremendous chaos – and how this chaos offers the opportunity for many people to become enlightened.

Each human being has the possibility to experience the phoenix effect. The phoenix is a mythical bird who walks into fire and is burned to ash, but then rises up again, born anew to fly into a radiant new dawn. The symbolism of the phoenix is descended from the mystery school traditions which teach us to walk consciously and willingly into chaos, allow the meltdown of all that we know, and rise again on wings of trust. Of course it is painful to embrace chaos, but the rewards are great. It is much more painful when we resist change and thus cannot move forwards and remain stuck in a living hell from which we find no escape. Chaos, which is meant to be transitional and impermanent, becomes fixed when we cling to the secure past. It is like trying to drive with the brakes on.

When we let go into the chaos and ask the simple question, “What can I learn from this situation now?” we open ourselves to a higher level of order, a new evolutionary dynamic.

I include here various examples of the forms loss can take and how to learn from this and continue evolving in the most positive way possible:

Death of a loved one

There is a very beautiful story from the time of Buddha. A woman came to him with her dead child in her arms, begging him to bring her child back to life. Buddha looked at her with compassion and then said, “OK, I will bring your child back to life on one condition. You must go around the village and knock on every door. Ask the people living there if they have never suffered from loss of life in that house. Bring me a handful of mustard seeds from the home where no one has died and I can use these mustard seeds to bring your child back to life.”

The distraught woman rushed to the village and knocked on each and every door asking her question. The householders were very kind to her, but they had to tell her the truth, “We are so sorry, but in this house we lost our father,” or in another house, “our mother has died recently,” or in another, “our revered grandmother has died,” and so on. The woman did not find a single house where no one had died. She came back to Buddha in the evening in a state of deep acceptance, realizing that death is a part of life. She was able to let go of the body of her child for cremation and subsequently asked to be initiated by Buddha into sannyas.

The 5 stages of grief

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who was a well-known expert on the phenomenon of dying, has defined 5 stages inherent in the process of losing a loved one. It is important to experience these stages consciously and with totality. This offers us the possibility of moving through this turbulent time into greater peace and wisdom. The stages may be experienced in any order according to the psychological and emotional makeup of each individual.

Denial
Anger / Rage
Bargaining
Depression / Sadness
Acceptance

The time needed to move through these stages depends on various factors and what the unique situation is regarding the death of the loved one.

The same stages are experienced if you are told that you have a life-threatening illness and do not have much time left. Whatever the situation, recognize which phase you are in and live it with as much totality as possible. It is helpful to live these states by practicing active meditation methods.

Below, are the Osho Meditation methods I recommend for each phase.

Denial: Dynamic Meditation / No-Mind Meditation

Anger / Rage: Dynamic Meditation / Pillow Beating Meditation

Bargaining: No Mind Meditation / Chakra Breathing Meditation

Depression / Sadness: Mystic Rose 3-week process / Becoming the Emotions Meditation

Acceptance: Mahamudra Meditation / Nadabrahma Meditation

Osho’s Approach towards Death

In addition to this, I would like to share a most beautiful way which Osho had recommended to approach the death of a loved one. In Osho’s community, the person who has died is given a good send-off with music, dance and celebration. In India the body of someone who has died is burned on an open-air funeral pyre. The body is covered with decorative cloth and flowers and carried through the streets to the burning ghat. Osho’s sannyasins go a step further by singing and dancing all the way to the burning ghat, and then continuing these celebrations till the body has been completely burned. Normally, the favorite songs of the person who has died are sung during this transmutation of flesh to ash.

In addition to this, Osho advised that the persons who are present during the burning should use this experience as a form of meditation, seeing the body burning to ashes and realizing that one day, our own body will be on the funeral pyre. This meditation on death helps us discover that which is never born and never dies – our ultimate reality.

Osho advises that those who have attended a death celebration go home afterwards and immediately take a shower, shampoo their hair, wash all their clothes, including the shoes, which were worn during the celebration. Why Osho has introduced such a practice may become clear if we get some understanding of the soul’s journey and reincarnation.

When we burn the body, the soul of the person has nothing to cling onto – or attach itself to – and is forced to let go into the light of the beyond. As he or she receives a good send-off with music and dance, it offers tremendous support for searching for a future incarnation based on joy. The essence of life is love and bliss. As we send these waves to the dearly departed, they take these qualities with them into the beyond and are thus encouraged to bypass all Bardo realms made of unconsciousness and suffering, and move on towards the realms of bliss and light. This ensures that the person will be guided into a higher-consciousness rebirth.

What you leave behind

I have noticed something interesting, having been to many death celebrations. Those who carry a lot of unfinished business, i.e. incomplete life issues, create a vibration in their energy field that makes those left behind want to weep and grieve. What we are grieving is actually the fact that the person has not lived their full potential for joy in this life. The ball of misery they carried within is transferred to those left behind and we feel like grieving that loss of potential.

On the other hand, if someone dies who has done their homework, meaning they have cleared unfinished life issues and are living in love and gratitude, they leave behind a vibe that gives us the desire to celebrate and honor them with love, joy and gratitude.

When Osho died, it was incredible to experience the huge outpouring of love and joy he left behind. The whole community dropped into a state of perfect harmony, lovingness and joyful communion which lasted for several months.

What we can do as a support for the soul of the deceased

If someone close to us has died and there is a feeling of incompleteness left behind, I highly recommend a practice I have discovered whereby we can accompany our loved one through the layers of the Bardo into a higher consciousness realm.

This process was delivered to me in a very unique way. While living in France, my beloved’s father died. We both felt the call to go and meditate in a cave where Mary Magdalene used to live. We wished to be in this sacred place in order to send blessings to the departed soul of my beloved’s father. While meditating there, I was astonished when a huge luminous angel appeared in front of me and delivered the following method for helping someone dear to us to transition after death. My beloved and I tried the method and found it tremendously helpful. Since then, I have done this method each time someone close to me has died. And I have shared it with countless people, all of whom have found it to be very supportive for transforming grief.

This meditation is only for the time after the death of a loved one, or someone we know. It is for the sacred days after the soul has left the body, when they are still near, moving through the subtle realms known as the Bardos. (For more on this subject read Danelle’s essay, The Six Bardos)

The Bardo Meditation

In the moments and days after death, the soul doesn’t immediately depart. It begins a journey through the Bardos, the realms of consciousness shaped by memory, karma, attachment and emotion. And for a short window, it’s possible for us, the living, to offer support by helping them let go.

What you’ll need:

A photograph of your loved one
A lit candle
A quiet space where you won’t be disturbed
Around 20 minutes per day, for 10–12 days

The practice:

Sit quietly in front of the photograph, with the candle lit.
Bring your full presence to this moment. Breathe.
With sincerity, invite your consciousness to meet theirs, wherever they are in the Bardo. Do this not with effort, but with devotion.
As the days pass, they will move through different Bardo realms, some filled with light and peace, others confronting old fears or desires.
Your role is to simply be present. To hold a field of awareness. To sit beside them, without judgment, as they encounter what must be met.
If images, emotions, or impressions come to you, let them move through. Don’t grasp. Just be the ground.

To close each session:

Blow out the candle with intention.
Use your hands to gently sever the energetic connection.
Speak aloud: “I return to the earthly plane.”
Wash your hands and forearms up to the elbow with clean water to fully return.

On the final day, offer a prayer for their rebirth into a higher realm of consciousness.

Additional rituals for assisting the deceased

Cover any mirrors that were used by the deceased with black cloth. The soul, in its disoriented state, may seek its reflection, trying to reconnect with the body it once knew. Covering mirrors helps redirect them toward the light, rather than encouraging attachment to the past.
Encourage movement toward the light. Speak aloud or silently in your heart, gently guiding them: “It’s safe to go now. You are free to move on.”
Favor cremation, if possible. In the Indian tradition, cremation is preferred over burial. Fire helps dissolve attachment to the body and supports the soul in letting go. Burial, by contrast, can sometimes lead to confusion, with the spirit remaining tethered to the physical form, unable to move forward.
Purify yourself after attending a funeral or cremation. As Osho reminds us, death carries a powerful energetic imprint. Wash the clothes you wore to the ceremony. Take a full-body shower and wash your hair afterward, to symbolically and energetically release the connection to the event and allow both yourself and the soul to move on.

This is the deepest kind of support we can offer after death. Presence, clarity, and ritual.

In Part 2, next week, I will be talking about the loss of a relationship, home or job.

Featured image (detail) credit to Ahmed Zayan via unsplash.com