New Year’s Resolutions for 2026

Some suggestions in case you run out of ideas…

Read more (or at least turn the subtitles on while binge-watching TV).
Read the books I bring to the beach. But, for real.
Find more reasons to use the word “verisimilitude.”
Don’t text that toxic person back. You know the one. We all have one.
Stop making lists that include making more lists.
I will stop procrastinating. You know, after next week.
Stop.Googling.Symptoms.
Tell more people to f*ck off.
Unfriend every person who shares their unsolicited diet or exercise regimen.
Stock up on fresh fruits and vegetables — and eat them before they turn into green mystery goop in the back of the fridge.
Remember to make overnight oats the night before, even though I know I won’t want to eat them in the morning.
Stop buying up all the butternut squash gnocchi at Trader Joe’s as soon as they restock. Leave some for the other shoppers.
Refrain from lurking awkwardly in front of a can of peas at the grocery store for 10 minutes, pretending to read the damn Le Sueur label for the 100th time, just because someone has their cart parked in front of the canned veggies I actually need. I will go around. And circle back. You know, in a less lurky way.
Be OK with having to make more than one trip from the car to bring in groceries. The human arm can only hold so much.
Carefully read all of the directions on a box of food before throwing it away so that I don’t have to go garbage diving midway through making falafels.
Manage to go the entire year without accidentally telling someone random on the phone “Love you” as the call ends. Although the scheduler from my dentist’s office did seem to appreciate it.
Do so much yoga that it actually justifies wearing yoga pants 24/7.
Actually put on a full outfit for Zoom calls (although, let’s be real, business-on-top-PJs-below never hurt anyone).
Give up blaming the family dog for every strange smell in the house (especially when I know it came from me).
Stop forcing my family to make New Year’s Resolutions. Word to the wise: Eight-year-olds DGAF.
When meeting with friends, I will stop telling the same jokes. Or I’ll make new friends.
I will stop saying “Mmmm, how nice” during the inspection at the airport. It seems that this is only provoking them.
Get waxed without feeling obligated to make awkward small talk.
Stay in the bathroom while I brush my teeth.
Stop drinking orange juice after I’ve brushed my teeth.
Floss every day — and not just with wild abandon in the week leading up to a cleaning.
Be a more multipurpose friend. I’m down for brunch, lunch, the beach… pretty much any activities that end in -ch or whatever. Just hit me up.
Harness every bit of willpower I have to not hit the elevator button repeatedly in a futile attempt to make it go faster.
Tell the doctor the truth when they ask how many drinks — alcoholic or caffeinated — I have in a month.
I will drink more. Benjamin Franklin seems to have said that beer is proof of God’s love.