Chetan reveals stories from his days in the Joke Writing Department (1987-89).
Looking back, I was as surprised as anyone to find myself in Osho’s library writing jokes, but then expecting the unexpected was very much a way of life in those days. It seemed that more unusual things would happen in a day in the ashram than in months or even years anywhere else on the planet, so when Jalada, who every day arranged Osho’s clipboard with clearly typed questions and jokes approached me to come to the library to help with jokes, it was quite simple to say ‘yes!’ Making my way into the library in Lao Tzu house every day became a great treat and it was a wonderful thing to suddenly be a part of a long-held tradition of ‘joke writer’ for Osho’s discourses.
Vimal, Chetan and Jalada in the Library
English Vimal had been the solo writer for several months but was in need of someone to give him some extra input and my ‘career’ as joke writer started out by my compiling lists of one-line anecdotes. Osho’s library is one of the most beautiful sanctuaries I have ever entered, and was gracefully tended by Osho’s librarians, Kavisho, David and Anasha. The books were arranged in wave patterns around the walls, from smaller books to taller books and back to smaller books again. Each volume’s whereabouts was notated by computer reference, and the ‘special’ books in which Osho had signed or painted were given special places.
For the Joke Writing Department there was a whole wall full of joke books, and many sannyasins would search out and bring more joke books whenever they arrived from abroad. We also would be called to the Lao Tzu Gate from time to time when someone had a juicy joke they needed to pass on to us.
Political correctness was not a style that was encouraged and so we felt we had free license to poke fun at anyone and everyone, often including priests, politicians, certain group leaders and ashram members, and even ourselves particularly when we were enacting the Irish-themed jokes. We were having so much fun that we called in Satyadharma to add some extra spices of more American humor to our pot.
Chetan and Satyadharma
The three of us would sit together around the table, with one of us on the computer to write up what was said…..and we’d take it in turns to provide the next lines for a joke. It was a wonderful time. We became so caught up in what we were doing that we’d all three be laughing uncontrollably and sometimes helplessly slide off our seats onto the floor, crying our eyes out ….. we could not stop! The librarians were so patient and loving and kept reminding us that Osho was probably resting next door and we really needed to get a grip and quieten down!
So then we’d write about someone we felt was one of Osho’s favorite characters, e.g. Hymie Goldberg:
Hymie Goldberg is complaining to his friend Moishe, “My wife is always asking for money, money, money….” He moans.
“Last week she wanted two hundred dollars. The day before yesterday she asked me for one hundred and fifty. And this morning she wanted one hundred dollars.”
“That’s crazy!” says Moishe. “What does she do with all that money?”
“I don’t know,” replies Hymie. “I never give her any.”
Or Kowalski:
Klarrot the Parrot has abandoned her perch in the basement, and is sitting on the light-shade near the telephone when Kowalski gets home. Kowalski opens the door, and steps down into a huge mountain of bird seed.
Immediately, Kowalski makes a dive for the light-shade and grabs Klarrot.
“Did you order more bird seed?” he bellows at the parrot, clutched in his hand.
Klarrot remains silent, and glares at Kowalski with her beady eyes.
“Did you order more bird seed?” Kowalski screams again.
Klarrot does not blink.
“Right!” shouts Kowalski, and he takes the parrot upstairs to the attic and ties her to a beam with her wings stretched out.
Kowalski stomps downstairs and Klarrot is left staring into space. She looks around and can just see the shape of Jesus on a crucifix, nailed to the opposite wall.
In a quiet whisper, Klarrot asks, “Did you order more bird seed, too?”
Or the international marriage trends:
When a husband comes home unexpectedly, a French wife says, “Pierre, move over, my husband is home!”
A German wife says, “Fritz, you are two minutes early!”
An English wife says, “Hullo, darling. May I introduce, Gilbert?”
A Greek wife says, “Hi, Spyro! The back door is still open!”
An Italian wife says, “Mamma mia, Luigi. If you are going to shoot-a us all, shoot-a yourself first!”
And a Jewish wife says, “Hymie, is that you? Then who is this with me?”
Our objective each day was to produce at least 12 crunchy jokes to send in to Osho. After we’d written them up we’d first take our jokes to Maneesha who acted as our censor and drew the line where certain jokes went too far or needed major modifications. With Maneesha’s blessing on what we’d produced, we then asked Jalada to type up the ‘approved’ jokes which she submitted along with questions for the day to Nirupa, Nirvano, Shunyo or sometimes Amrito to take in to Osho.
We’d wait with a kind of suppressed anxiety mixed with a dose of hilarity trying to guess which jokes Osho would select. Sometimes Shunyo would come back with a “He really liked the jokes today!” in which case we’d go gleefully from the library to get ready for the discourse. And of course, there were days on which we knew we’d been struggling to make fun, but then we found that come discourse time, Osho always managed to ace telling the jokes, somehow getting everyone to crack up, often appreciating Sardarji who always had a big belly-laugh before, during and after jokes, much to everyone’s delight!
We naturally assumed that when the questions and jokes were taken in to Osho that he would pick jokes to go along with the questions, until one day, Shunyo let slip that Osho sometimes chose the jokes first and then found questions to go along with them!
Several of our re-tailored jokes came from features that had been published in Playboy magazine and we came up with the brilliant idea of submitting some jokes back to Playboy, receiving a series of $100 payments for each joke they published, which was another cause for celebration.
There were times when the Joke Department morphed into Osho Cinema Playhouse and we’d find ourselves arranging movie nights at various locales in the ashram. We were guided to find movies of value and without violent content, and this became a really fun exercise for three jokers selecting and putting on these shows.
There were times when the library and Lao Tzu hallways were being refurbished with marble floors, so we would sit out on the library balcony in Osho’s garden while we wrote, and then when the balcony was being fixed, we moved to Chuang Tzu auditorium to write, and then when Chuang Tzu started to be transformed into the Samadhi, we moved to offices near the Lao Tzu Gate and shared a space with a pair of white parrots who gave us great commentary and inspirations:
Chetan, Vimal and Parrot
Percy and Peggy-Sue get married and go on honeymoon to the Bahamas. While they are there, Percy buys a beautiful parrot in a cage and takes it back to the hotel room.
But every time that Percy and Peggy-Sue start making love, the parrot starts commenting on their movements.
The cheeky parrot says things like, “Thatta girl, Peggy-Sue!” and “Come on, Percy, you can do better than that!” and “Oh! Oh! Slow down, speed up, turn left…!”
Finally, the parrot’s descriptions get so explicit, that Percy jumps off the bed and flings a sheet over the cage.
“If you don’t shut up,” he shouts, “I’m going to send you to the zoo!”
That evening, the honeymooners are packing to leave their hotel. But Peggy-Sue is having some trouble closing her suit-case: she cannot fasten the lock.
“Darling,” says Percy, “Why don’t you get on top, and I’ll try.” But the suit-case will not close.
“Look, sweetheart,” says Peggy-Sue, “you get on top and I’ll try.” But that does not work, either.
“Listen,” suggests Percy, “why don’t we both get on top, and we can both try.”
At this point, the parrot pulls the sheet off its cage and shrieks, “Zoo, or no zoo, this I’ve gotta see!”
Magnus Marx wants to buy a talking parrot for his wife’s birthday. He hears that a rare Brazilian banana-parrot is being auctioned, so he goes along to the saleroom to have a look at it.
The auctioneer puts the bird up on the stand before the crowded saleroom.
“Twenty-five dollars,” bids Magnus.
“Thirty-five!” comes another bidder.
Magnus bids again, “Forty dollars!”
“Fifty!” cries the other bidder.
Ten minutes later, a sweating Magnus hands over two-hundred dollars to the auctioneer.
“That’s a wonderful parrot you’ve bought, sir,” says the auctioneer as he pockets the money.
“I know, he’s beautiful,” agrees Magnus. “But there is just one thing I forgot to ask before, does this bird talk?”
“Talk?” repeats the auctioneer. “For the last ten minutes he’s been bidding against you!”
When the library was finally completed, with gorgeous marble floors and ornate furniture, we were thrilled to move back and dedicate ourselves to the last few months of jokes before Osho completed his discourses and went into silence again, this time for the last time.
For someone with a habit of taking things too seriously, it was a joy and delight for me to have this space and time in my life to have outrageous fun, and at the same time to learn a few valuable things about writing and delivery.
The jokes written here are carefully “lifted” from Osho’s Take it really Seriously….a revolutionary insight into jokes also subtitled: A Backside Book of Jokes, beautifully compiled by Vimal, published by Grace Publishing in Asylum Road, London, and available from all good bookstores.
Thank you, Osho, for so many treasured memories, and the motley crew of Vimal and Satyadharma, (alias Paddy and Shamus), you are the most amazing friends!
There is a fire at the ‘Pig and Whistle Pub’, and it is beginning to get out of control.
Suddenly, Paddy’s old Ford car comes speeding around the corner, crosses the street and drives straight into the middle of the flames.
The car nearly puts out the fire, and then the doors burst open. Paddy and Shamus jump out, and start beating wildly at the flames.
Ten minutes later, the fire is out, and Paddy and Shamus push the Old Ford out of the pub. The landlord offers the two brave men some free drinks, and gives Paddy a hundred-dollar reward.
“What are you going to do with all that money?” asks Shaun, who has been drinking at the bar throughout the action.
“Well,” says Paddy, swallowing a large whiskey, “the first thing I’m going to do is take my car and get those goddam brakes fixed!”
With love and laughter, Chetan
Chetan Parkyn schooled in England as a mechanical engineer. In India, in 1979, his true gifts of reading for people were recognized by two savants, and he was told to prepare for a “new” esoteric system. In 1993, he was shown Human Design and has studied, read and taught it worldwide ever since. Harper Collins UK published his ‘Human Design, Discover the Person You Were Born To Be’ in 2009 which is presently available in 11 languages. www.HumanDesignForUsAll.com
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