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Pejman Naraghi-Arani with a team member working on the NanoString nCounter platform
New Heavy Metal Detected

Maher El Sheikh, left, and Pejman Naraghi-Arani from the Lawrence Livermore Laboratories have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a simple action that might normally take less than a second, to end up taking from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. Sadly, it does not decay, but instead undergoes a type of reorganization using sophisticated revolving doors in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

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Credit goes to Neelamber
Photo by Jacqueline McBride

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