A friend of mine told me before it happened that the cast of 12 Years a Slave were bound to clean at the Oscars.
I told him that was a disgusting opinion to have in this day and age.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am this morning!
Thankfully I was still up playing my trumpet.
When I was much younger I used to think I was a man trapped in a woman’s body.
But that all changed when I was born.
A man walks into a grocery store. He is amazed that just about every shelf is filled with packets of salt. Shelf after shelf. He says to the shop keeper: “Wow, you must just about be the world’s best salt salesman.”
“Well, maybe I sell one or two packets a day,” shrugs the shopkeeper “But the guy who sells me salt, he can really sell salt.”
Wife to husband: “You never listen to me. You only hear what you want to hear.”
Husband: “Yeah OK. I’ll take that beer.”
A worker feels under the weather so phones in to work to get the day off.
The boss, who is of a reasonable nature answers “That’s ok; however, when I feel under the weather I find that having sex with my partner helps.”
A few hours later the worker phones the boss and says “the advice worked and I feel much better; however, I don’t like your wallpaper.”
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an immigrant were sharing a plate of 11 cookies. The banker took 10 and whispered to the Daily Mail reader, “Watch out for the immigrant, he’s trying to steal your cookie.”
When my time comes I want to die like my grandfather died. Peacefully. In my sleep. Not screaming at the top of my lungs like the passengers in his car.
A skinhead goes to a tattoo artists. “I want to have a swastika tattooed on my arse!”
The tattoo artist says “Ok, would you first take your helmet off…!”
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Last night I thought I heard the spring onions singing Bee Gees songs in my fridge.
When I opened the door I realised it was just the chives talking.
from The Guardian (comments)