One-liners off the stage.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” – Tim Vine
“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s***.” – Stephen K. Amos
“We weren’t very religious. On Hanukkah, my mother had our menorah on a dimmer.” – Richard Lewis
“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.’” – Eddie Izzard
“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe
“Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.” – Frankie Boyle
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” – Rob Beckett
“A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.” – Rhod Gilbert
“Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?” – Mickey P Kerr
“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell
“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” – Stewart Francis
“Normally you have news: weather and travel. But not on snow day. On a snow day, weather is travel.” – Michael McIntyre
“With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work.” – Henning When
Credit to inews.co.uk
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