A music track by Sanjiva, a poem by Elaine Leclaire – and with what a story!
I am sitting at the Général Café, as I do every morning. Suddenly I feel pain in my left arm, then the right arm, like acid pouring in my veins. I am gasping, it’s so hard to breathe. Then pain in my chest, like a knife, burning inside.
I ask my friend Ryan to take me to the hospital, 10 km away. A few minutes on the road and I start yelling, the pain is so unbearable, I’m in a cold sweat, my body twisting from inside. I ask Ryan to call an ambulance; I am sure I won’t make it to the hospital.
Ryan is talking to the emergency, then the paramedics, and they decide to meet us halfway in order to take me directly to Montréal, because my condition would need specialized care.
We meet the ambulance, they slam the defibrillator onto me, give me nitro and a handful of pills.
My body is shaking and bouncing. I am screaming; the pain is excruciating.
The ambulance takes off, sirens blasting, full-speed.
Montréal is an hour and fifteen minutes away and they make it in 45 minutes.
In a flash, my mind tells me, “You can die this moment.”
I watch it and say, “Thank you for the information, now let me be here and now with what’s happening.”
The paramedic sitting next to me tells me to try and relax, to give my heart some space… that they are waiting for me in Montréal and will take care of me. The look on his face is saying, “Please, don’t die!”
We get to the Sacré-Coeur hospital and eight people, doctors and nurses, are waiting for me.
I receive 2 shots of fentanyl and 3 shots of morphine. This does nothing to ease the pain. I have scans, x-ray and ultrasound. They test this and that, before they rush me to the cardio dynamic operating room.
There 2 cardiologists and the 3 nurses get busy prepping me. One of the cardiologists tells me that I could die during the procedure!
They go through an artery, reach my heart, and I hear, “It’s 95% blocked, get this xyz stent inside…”
Meanwhile, my dearest friend Elaine arrives at the Général Café to meet me, and texts to ask where I am, if am OK. She has no idea what has happened.
Coming out of the stent procedure, I am still in pain. My body is dealing with the trauma, this new thing in my heart, emotions on standby… I see Elaine’s message and text her what has happened. She replies, “I’m coming to see you.” Elaine is a star-child, pure love.
Love is the most powerful reality a human being can experience. When Elaine walks into the room and sits down by my side, holds my hand and is just here and now with me… Healing the heart needs connection, space, silence. She is with me, open – so precious in this moment!
The next morning I wake up with tears rolling down my cheeks. Tears flowing, gratefulness, fragility…
That day I had received so many messages from friends, so much love. A nurse told me that I was lucky to have so many friends who cared for me, and Elaine coming to see me. She told me that nearly everyone there with a broken heart never has visitors, that they often have to go back home alone in a taxi, and are then alone at home. This made me so sad. How can you heal a broken heart when you are left alone?
That’s when this song, Fragility, made its way into me. My atypical brain turned movement into colours, not yet music, just images moving slowly, a mood to express what I had just gone through, an encounter with death, dark black cold death, and then coming back to be a witness of the fragility of life, to keep this close to my heart, to remember this – every moment.
Death we cannot escape, and when it is so close and looking you straight in the eyes, it shows you the fragility of life and brings you joy to be alive.
The next day, Elaine came to bring me home. Love heals the heart.
When I got home, the movie in my brain became music, my way to share this poem by my friend Elaine: Fragility.
21st August 2023
Children of the stars
If I die tomorrow
If I’m taken back to the great mystery
The reincarnation comedy
I give you a rendez-vous, amigo
So don’t grow in despair
Hear the music in the air
That’s where I’m still dancing
And under the rain, playing
Finally, completely free
We’re all passing through time and space
Here to learn from the pain
Laughing all over again
We know nothing except love
Children of the stars
Children of the stars
In the endless and fragile
Movement of eternity
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