An insight by Divakar (Marc Itzler)
One of the deepest roots of toxic masculinity is unreleased pain. Men are cut off from feeling – imprisoned in their bodies and minds, unable to naturally express sorrow and despair.
The endless battle between a man and the pain that lives inside him, comes from a desperate and learned need to control and dominate any natural upwelling of emotion. We even call it ‘fighting back tears’. That fight takes a lot of energy and when men feel overwhelmed or as if they are ‘losing it’ (‘it’ being the fight), then anger and aggression can very often be the default strategy. It’s like an all-consuming need to control and dominate, to avoid being exposed and seen in their sorrow, in their weakness.
This can escalate to the point where men are so disconnected from the reality of what they’re actually feeling, that all that’s left is anger and aggression. We can see how that is manifesting both in the individual and in the global collective.
To manage that rage, that exhausting frustration, men often begin to self-medicate. Alcohol or drugs, porn or sex, over-eating, over-working, or seeking drama. Anything to avoid that darkness. These desperate and destructive strategies lead to abuse, violence, and eventually the destruction of their lives and of those around them. For some, the desire to escape becomes greater than the instinct to survive, and they just end it.
Life simply becomes impossible.
When a man can re-learn the art of expressing and releasing pain through tears, deep, aching tears, he begins a new journey. One towards emotional maturity, inner sensitivity, and true masculine power. The kind of power that comes from knowing that the more courage we can take to express our inner world, the stronger and more resilient we become. That need to feel in constant control of our behaviour falls away. We create a new relationship with the pain inside. We befriend it. We come back to ourselves.
Some men naturally mellow with age as the energy to control is lost and the tears and the truth begin to emerge. But some have hardened to such an extent that the shell or the ‘bubble’ in which they live never breaks, and they die angry, defiant, and in discontent. A tragedy that begins in childhood is emotionally crippling men for life.
Learning to cry, and surrendering to tears can quite literally be a life-saver.
This note was first published by the author on Facebook – reproduced here with his permission.
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