Humour — 27 March 2014

Adolf Hitler is getting worried about his public image, as things aren’t going too well for Germany, so he decides to put on a disguise and go and talk with some ordinary Berlin residents.

He meets this guy in the street and starts a conversation with him. Hitler then asks the guy “What do think of Adolf Hitler?” The guy looks furtively around, then takes Hitler by the arm. They cross the road, through a park, past a school and end up in an open piece of land. The guy looks at Hitler and whispers: “Personally, I don’t much like him!”

(The other version is that the guy whispers, “I quite like him, really.”)

 

At a party for my wife who is half French, her friend’s husband who is German was discussing how multi-European the party guests were. My father in-law who is French asked our German guest where he lived in Germany, and when he was told where, he asked how far from the French border it was.

The reply of “Oh, about a day and a half’s march” made me nearly choke on my beer.

Needless to say the French contingent didn’t think it funny. And you say Germans have no sense of humour?

 

Berlin ist eine Stadt von Warenhäusern… hier waren Häuser, und dort waren Häuser…

Berlin is a city of warehouses… there were houses here and there were houses there…

 

Two members of the Jewish resistance are sent to kill Hitler. They have information that he will be travelling, by car, between Berlin and Hamburg and will reach a small village at 2pm. So they set up a machine gun in some bushes outside the village and having camouflaged their position settle down to wait. 2pm comes and there is no Hitler, so they wait. 3pm comes, still no Hitler.

Moshe turns to Abraham and says “He’s late, I hope nothing bad has happened to him.”

 

My grandfather died in a concentration camp.
He fell off a watchtower.

 

A British plane is shot down over German lines. The pilot wakes up in the dispensary where they’ve just taken off his leg.

“Well, you’ve got me mates. But it would mean the world to me mum, if you could ship that back to London.” They gag, but oblige.

Later, in the camp, he has another accident. An arm. “It would mean the world…” They grimace, yes, the German doctors in the camp. But they do it.

Before the war’s conclusion, again, a mine accident, a leg this time. As he comes to, “Look, if you wouldn’t mind…”

The colonel is there this time, “Nein! Not zis time! Ve think you are trying to escape!”

Memphis Belle

 

A Belgian, a Frenchman and a German are condemned to death in Paris.

The Frenchman was strapped to the guillotine and the executioner released the catch. The blade stuck and didn’t fall. The executioner said, “This is a sign from God that you are innocent, you are free to go.”

The German was next, the same thing happened and he was released.

Then it was the Belgian’s turn. As they were about to put him onto the guillotine, he said, “Wait a minute, I see what’s causing the problem.”

 

from The Guardian (comments)

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