Humour — 21 May 2014

A German couple walks into a bar and order two Martinis.
The barman responds: “Certainly. Dry?”
“No, ve vant two!” they reply.

 

An Englishman asks a German:
What is between fear and sex?
Fünf!

 

Angela Merkel arrives in Greece.
Customs Officer (inspecting her passport): “Occupation?”
Angela Merkel: “No, just visiting.”

 

Birth announcement in the New York Times:
Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Goldsteen are proud to announce the birth of their son
Dr. Joshua Goldsteen

 

What’s Jewish foreplay?
Two hours of begging.
(or, “It’s two hours of shopping.”)

 

What do you call an unemployed Rastafarian?
Jah bless.

 

What do you call a Frenchman wearing open-toed sandals?
Philippe Félop.

 

Why didn’t the Frenchman have 2 eggs for breakfast?
Because 1 egg was un oeuf!

 

Why did the French chef commit suicide?
Because he lost the huile d’olive.

 

What do you call a Russian parachutist?
Kataploff!

 

Why don’t Italians like Jehova’s Witnesses?
Italians don’t like witnesses.

 

Why are Italian cruises the best?
No, it’s not just the good food. On Italian ships there is no nonsense about ‘women and children first’!

 

Why can’t they put on a nativity play in Liverpool?
They can’t find 3 wise men, or a virgin.

 

Why are the Irish so stupid?
So the English can understand them.

 

An Irishman was at a job interview as a builder. Standard questions had gone fine, so the interviewer tried a trickier one.
“Can you tell me, what is the difference between a girder and a joist?”
“Ah, dats simple. Goethe wrote Faust, and Joyce wrote Ulysses.”

 

An Argentine is walking down the street when someone stops him to ask for a light. The Argentine pats the upper pockets of his jacket but nothing. He then pats the lower pockets, again nothing. Finally he pats his trouser pockets, nothing!
He apologises, “Sorry, no light – but man have I got a great body!”

 

from The Guardian comments

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