Rishabh Banerji writes in India Times on February 19, 2016, that reading these listed profiles for matrimonials will make you feel very happy you’re single.
*) Shaadi means marriage in Hindi
India sits at a rather weird place as far as dating and marriage are concerned. While we are welcoming change by using a number of dating and marriage apps, the number of people looking for a ‘suitable’ groom or a bride on shady matrimonial websites aren’t going down.
You’d still have simple parents looking for the perfect son or daughter-in-law. The thought is novel. It’s perfectly fine to go for arranged marriages if it’s your cup of tea. But what’s hilarious are the larger than life profiles of these shaadi sites. These 12 (unedited) profiles will definitely make you want to open an account there. Just for a few laughs, if not anything else.
1. He will party, but you shouldn’t. Jai Shri Krishna.
Jai Sri Krishna. My self Tarun, I am working as Deputy Manager, I am like party animal, I am looking for outdoor girl who not part of this culture, but she should not accompany me. She should also be having job and decent package. Caste, colour, education, horoscope no bar. She should know Gujarati cuisines. If interested mail me.
2. Meet Yashoda. She doesn’t like West Indians. Others can feel free to poke her.
Hi, am Yashoda, I passed my marriageable age, I seek for the perfect match for me. The boy should be long in height, He can have long hairs also, but he should not have animals in house. Everything else is ok, north and west Indian please excuse me. If you are my man, I long for your partnership. If you want we can chat on facebook also, you can poke me if you want.
3. How can you tell if the family is well-to-do or not? Just count the number of private bank accounts they have. One bank account stands for gareeb aadmi, two means billionaire.
Namaste namaste, We seek a BRIDE for our son who is clean shaven, educated, very enterprising, handsome, he’s got a height of 5’10″ and he just turned 26 having trained abroad he manages his own business. We are high status affluent family with 2 bank accounts in private BANK and we are very liberal in our outlook. He seeks a life partner who is 21, minimum height 5’4″ and IQ of 80 and very modern outlook. If agreeable please send a recent profile with recent photograph and please send photos with front profiles only, please do not send side profiles and it is too inconvenient to judge girls beauty. Thank you.
4. A private fertile land is all we ask.
Hello, I am Manohar. We are from WELL DO FAMILY, having cattle and farming equipments. We are looking for a girl suitable girl she has lot of land, land should be fertile, should be private, should give calf once a year. She should not know computers, should be willing to cook twice a day with SMILE. I promise to take you for film for watching purposes. if interested you can contact me.
5. Are you a clean-shaven, physically strong man living in a metro? Then you can see her beauty spots.
“Hello, my name is Alka from a nice family and also good characterized women. My friends and family say that I am quite beautiful and even my guruji says me that. I have a some beauty spots on my body and I wiling to show every thing to man who steals my heart. Am looking for a dashing man who can speak in English and living in a metro. He should be shaving regularly and ideally and he should be physically strong. So if interested please mail me a photo.”
6. We have Shakespeare among us. Oh, and ya, porn, he likes porn.
“I see life in a simple way having a nuance of chiaroscuro where being thyself hold good than analyzing the repercussion. I believe in subtleness and substance more imperative towards life. Care and affection are always my mantras to lead a pleasant life. I believe personal and professional life need to be kept equidistant from each other. Hence, I make it a point to think more at office and care more at home. Though pauciloquent, people who know me well will tell you that I am the opposite. I did my schooling in various Kendriya Vidhayala. Hence, I speak English and Hindi well. My interests are in English literature, reading books, architecture, interior designing, archaeology, oceanography, geography, world history, quizzing,current affairs, sports, drawing portraits, listening to good music, writing poems, counseling, psychology, philosophy, astronomy, etymology, cinematography, editing,traveling, spiritualism etc.
I see my partner to be my confidante and a well-wisher who understand me and respect elders. I will be a good friend and accept the differences in true stride. Life becomes colourless if both are same. I will accept her differences as her uniqueness. So that life meanders with a blend of sweet and spice. An institution like marriage should stand tall against the wind of malevolence. Mutual trust, understanding and sacrifice define the institution.Being thyself is the mantra and accepting each other as they are, will make it lucid for each other to lead a blissful life.I would love to be an amorevolous husband, being in a state of eunoia, making small moments a special one for my partner, creating an ambiance of cynefin with surprising petrichor.”
7. That escalated quickly.
“Only smart, highly educated, service class or super business men, metro city, hero required.”
8. What you want vs what you deserve
Preferences for Groom-
Should be earning a minimum of 1 million $
Should be settled in US or Aus (like resident or green card holder)
Should be living alone (not with family)
Should own a house, car, bike
Should not drink, smoke
Should be vegetarian
Now, these seem odd when you see the bride’s details-
From middle class family in India(Noida)
Finished B.Tech and working in IT company
Annual Income 2.5L p.a.
Doesn’t own House,car, bike/scooter
Drinks and smokes
9. Simplicity is key. So is America.
“I am very simple person. Simple living and high thinking is my funda. I want a person who is simple and well settle in Canada or America”
10. This honest parent.
“My daughter has completed her graduation in B.A. English Hons. in 2006. She is down to earth kind of girl. She hates the word DOWRY very much. She is very frank, trustworthy, optimistic, caring, understandable, easygoing person. She respects elders and loves younger ones. After her Graduation she has completed her course in web designing. After that she did a job but later on she left it and started learning German lang. She is very much interested in learning new things or exploring herself. Currently she is learning Spanish language and working in an NGO as a teacher.
She is not so eager to do a job but if her mood permits then she will definitely do a job after marriage.She knows how to compromise in life but she hates joint family as she can’t fit in it.
Her motto in life is TO LIVE N LET LIVE and always be happy and keep happy other ppl’s around you.She loves travelling n interacting with people.
p.s – she prefers a life partner from New Delhi or gurgaon…..she got others choices too. And her partner must be well educated, independent, and totally settled in his life.”
11. He doesn’t want a wife, he wants a goddess!
“Hi, I am XYZ hailing from A place .I am a simple, jovial and caring person by nature, looking for a decent charming girl from brahmin community.
Education – Mtech
Education in detail – Electrical eng.
Occupation – Civil services.
Occupation in detail – Dy director,IES
Partner preference: Should be soft and sweet like goddess Lakshmi…”
12. Don’t you just love people who are six foots tall and six inches long? Also, his balls bounce quite high.
I am one young gentleman living only with myself in Patna. I am seeing ur advertisement for marriage purpose in the daily newspaper. So I decide to press myself on u and I am hopping you will make the marriage with me.
I am the son of my father & mother of agriculture family from inside Patna. I having no sister and no brother also. I become big in Patna only. I educate myself in the Zuarilal Himmatlal High School, Bezna Road.
I am nice and big, six foots tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness why because I am working hardly. I am playing also hardly. Especially I am liking the cricket. I am a good batter also I am fast baller. Whenever I am coming running for the balling, all batters are running everywhere why because they are afraiding my balls. My balls are bouncing too much high. That is very danger for them.
I am very nice gentleman. I always laughing loudly at everyone. I am happy always and gay also. Ladies they are saying I am nice and soft because I giving respect to them. I am always liking if ladies are on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I drink milk only and no other bad things. I am not chewing cigarettes or eating gutka paan why because it not good for all the peoples. So I am not doing so.
I am keep fitting everyday. Morning I am going to jim and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can came and see how I pumping the dumb bells in the jim. And now good muscles are come outing everywhere.
I am having very much money in my pant everyday and my pant is everyday open for you why because I am nice gentleman, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking my things into my own hands everyday. That is why I want to press myself on you, so that you will come and take my things into your hands.”
Thanks to Amrita