Allan’s short notes after his beloved Vicky’s death, accompanied by some of his nature photographs.
Being at Home – September 15, 2018
Laying in bed this morning I could see how easy it is to succumb to the sadness I feel over loosing Vicky. I could also vividly see the precious gift that I was given. Two weeks ago I held Vicky’s hand as she transitioned into spirit. I felt the enormous presence of spirit filling the room and the incredible peace that I felt as the energy overwhelmed me with its intensity. I have spent a lifetime pushing aside the words of others of God, Creator, Spirit and so on. I have always wanted to know and experience Spirit firsthand. I have meditated and prayed upon this and have enjoyed many experiences that have brought me closer to the Creator. But none greater than this.
With Vicky’s transition that connection had suddenly become as solid as the chair I am sitting on. Yes I am sad, but I am also overwhelmed with joy. Vicky’s transition has ripped me apart and yet I have never felt more at peace with the feeling of being at home. I’ve had so much support and love showered upon me but none more than from the Creator, from God, from Spirit, from the angelic realms, from that heavenly place where spirits exist, where they too are nourished. Where we are all connected. Vicky knew there was nothing to fear and left her body in total trust and grace. That really sunk in this morning. For that I am blessed.
The Ring – October 26, 2018
Who would think the best crystal shop in Vancouver would be above a dentist office on Burrard Street, where $20,000 quartz crystals could be purchased to decorate the homes of the rich and famous. I would often walk upstairs to admire but also to feel the immensity of the energy of these behemoth crystals and get an energetic buzz that I could take home and enjoy.
Then one day I noticed a special ring in a glass showcase. Six months earlier I had met the woman who would become the love of my life. We had met online and agreed to meet for coffee. Two hours later we were in bed together and would never be apart. We laughed outrageously when we first saw each other knowing this first time meeting was in fact a reunion.
That special ring would come to define our relationship. We lived outside the box even though we worked and functioned within the world at large. A Celtic ornamental design claimed its uniqueness that ensured how special our relationship would become. An aquamarine stone lit up the centre, a sensuous reminder of how deep our bond had become in a very short period of time.
Vicky would not go anywhere without that ring until the last days of her life when she gave it to me to hold for her as she departed from this world. It would remain a reminder of the depth of our connection. A love that knew no boundaries and still exists as I can feel her wanting to share this story.
Shortly after I gave her the ring she began having visions of another time that we shared. An era that was as real as the one we were living in. She was known as Letowa and I Lone Eagle. Back then we dreamt of this present moment just as in the here and now we could see back into time. The ring symbolized our deep union of love that traversed eons of timelessness. This physical world is not what it seems.
Letowa has been put to rest along with the memories of that time. Vicky’s ring sits in a drawer next to mine. Past events circulate alongside present time activities as echoes from remembrances resonate wistfully within the shadows of my mind. Meanwhile Vicky visits often, whispering in my ear to enjoy my life with passion. Dance the dance and live in a let go, she said one day, and together we danced in heaven.
Vicky’s Easy Chair – October 25, 2018
Vicky always sat in her easy chair that allowed her legs to be stretched out. She sat there at least twelve hours a day, especially towards the end, playing on her computer, reading from her ebook reader, watching television, having a nap, greeting friends and family, and so on and on. That chair was her comfort zone, a place to meditate and pray. Vicky told me that when she went I should just take it to the dump. It was so worn out, what use was it? At the time I did not disagree.
She was a strong woman with a personality that demanded your attention. She could plan anything lickity-split. You had to be carefully what you asked, her opinion or just some feedback. Vicky was always available. I loved her to pieces but now I can sit in her chair without asking permission which would have probably been no. Now she doesn’t mind. She told me so.
I started sitting in her chair the morning after she transitioned. I was looking for comfort but found much more than that. The chair had an energy that spoke to me, that charged my body with electricity. I got high that first morning sitting in that chair. Not from smoking anything, just from the energy that overwhelmed my senses and sent me into ecstatic rapture. There was comfort too. I missed her terribly even though I had known for a long time of the inevitably of this moment.
I missed our intimacy the most. Our nights of sleeping close, easy to reach out and touch which we both loved to do. Now I had her chair which was as close to her as I could possibly get. In fact I am sure she comes to visit me there. I feel like I’m sitting with her, held tight by her presence that both warms and energizes.
One day Vicky told me I’d find another, but as long as I have this chair I’m not in a hurry because we are still intimate in an etheric way. My body responds to the chair as if she was still in the room embracing me. I know I need to let go, but that probably will not happen until I decide to move from our home and take her chair to the dump.
A brush with death – Allan searching for and finding ways to experience the ongoing bliss of the Buddhafield and profound acceptance of the facts of death
Anand Allan (aka Anand Deekshant, Allan Forest) has been a photographer since 1971 when he graduated from the school of photography at Ryerson University, Toronto. He took sannyas in 1979 and frequently visited the commune in Pune. A few years ago he moved to the Sunshine Coast and currently freelances and takes landscape photographs. expressionsofphotography.com
More photographs and articles by Allan in Osho News