Author and therapist Sagarpriya writes about the balance between Inner Man and Inner Woman.
This article was written for Oau Magazine (Kamakura, Japan) and published on the occasion of the launch of the Japanese edition of Sagarpriya’s book The two shores of Love.
Most people who are in search of their spiritual being arrive to a creative flow. And perhaps they don’t yet earn money with the activity they enjoy the most, but at least they feel fulfilled by expressing themselves in this way.
It happened to me when I was quite young—around 23 years old—that I found a thing I loved to do: meditative massage combined with a psychic reading of the body’s energy. In the beginning I earned very little money with it, but I was content. And as it turned out, this interest led into many areas of expansion, and I eventually became a trainer of counselling and bodywork.
I’m only mentioning this in order to speak about a contrast to this interest, another side of me that was not a therapist. An earthy side, a part of me that was more at home in a vegetable garden, or a wood-working shop, or even a marketplace. And without giving a long explanation of how I came to know it, I’ll just say that this was my inner man expressing opposition to the therapist, who was my inner woman. He was tired of leading groups, tired of being cooped up indoors, and tired of always going “in.” He wanted to go “out.”
And typically, in their inner discussions, she would win.
For example, he would say, “I want to go to the New Year’s Eve party at Miasto.” She would say “It takes three hours to drive there. You have to pay the costs of the gasoline for two directions on the autostrada, plus the high entrance fee because there is a fancy dinner. Anything could happen on the way, and other drivers cannot be trusted on Dec. 31. Why don’t we just skip it and stay at home?”
Usually he was just caving in, but this time he stood his ground. “I will drive, so you don’t need to be responsible for that,” he said. “And we have a place to stay overnight, with very good friends. You will have fun.” The inner female had noticed her tendency to constantly get her own way, so on this occasion she changed her habit and let him decide. Then for two days, the inner male felt insecure, because now he was responsible for choosing something without her approval. To be independent was scary. But they went to the party and it was wonderful. Even she had to agree that he had been right.
This was one of the turning points in the balance between them. My inner man was slowly gaining more confidence in his impulses, so different from hers.
What leads to balance between the inner male and female?
As a therapist, listening to other people’s male and female sides, I have been looking into the subject of balance—what is it actually? The answer is in one way complex and in another way simple.
The complexity is that almost always one side wants to dominate. This is just how the mind works. If one side of you has had success—usually because circumstances have been in its favor, or it has had the space to make mistakes and learn from them—this side will be strong. And it constantly enlists the other side’s help in carrying out its projects (e.g. my inner man used to carry the massage table).
The dominating side might be loving and caring, or it might be the type that wants more and more power and wishes to exclude or even crush the other side. As a therapist I have to intervene differently in these two situations, as I will explain later.
The weaker side is usually weak for a certain reason. For example, it gives its energy to the dominant side. Or it supports one of the dominant side’s priorities in life, not knowing its own priorities. Or it has been trained to feel guilty or to believe that it is by nature no good.
So putting the two in balance is not just a question of compromise, not a question of 50% space for each—one getting more expression and the other cutting back.
It is a question of each of them getting to know their “inner being.” When the man finds his inner being, it will provide him with effortless male impulses. When the woman finds her inner being, it will provide her with effortless female impulses. This is similar to breathing: an impulse for expansion becomes the inhale (masculine), and then later an impulse for releasing the air becomes the exhale (feminine); both are effortless when the opposite part of the breath has been total.
To find the inner being, you cannot use the same scientific instruments that measure the material world, because it is not a “thing”—it occupies neither space nor time. It is timeless and has no permanent physical form. It exists before the birth of one’s physical body and continues to exist after the death of the body. It is a presence, a subtle radiance which one discovers by relaxing and observing what happens when you don’t impose your will upon the natural flow of life. Dropping expectations, you become more empty, but things keep on happening anyway. Your acceptance or even gratitude for these spontaneous events brings the feeling of a “full emptiness.”
The most important discovery I have made, working with the male and female sides of many people, is that both sides have to discover their inner being alone. The male has to search for his inner being by himself. The female has to search for her inner being by herself. Aloneness is a necessary prerequisite. It is a feeling of digging deep through conditioned ideas about oneself, false identifications, beliefs, and finding the water of a clear, bubbling spring underneath. Drinking this water, you (inner male or inner female polarity) feel a state of love inside yourself that is not dependent upon a partner (the other polarity).
Fixing what has gone wrong
Now, for the reasons I said before, one side finds its original source (inner being) quicker than the other one. Typically in the sessions I give, one polarity has found it and one has not.
If the connected side is the dominant one and the weaker side has not found its inner being, I help the dominant side to withdraw any interference in the other side’s activities and start trusting the other one to lead their own life. The weaker side is encouraged to take back all the energy that rightfully belongs to him/her because they will need it for their own next steps.
If the side that is dominant has no connection to its inner being—which is perhaps the reason they have chosen to be powerful as a substitute—I leave the personage in that condition and concentrate on the apparently weaker counterpart. If the weaker side has even a small connection to its inner being, it is encouraged to become independent, to trust what it wants to do, and even to consider itself the leader of the couple. The one with more love should not listen to either praise or criticism from someone who has less love, and should take the decisions of the life in his/her hands as soon as possibile.
In this way, the life moves towards more and more relaxation, which in turn leads to more love—because slowly, slowly, the vibrations of the one who has love emanate to the one who has none. The one who has none starts to change without realizing it. Nobody is intending to change the other, and yet change happens.
So the inner couple learns that the best way to love each other is to be true to one’s own impulses. Very often these do not correspond to socially accepted ideals. Very often one (the inner male or the inner female) is surprised by what comes up from inside as the next action to be taken. But if spontaneous impulse is trusted and followed, the result is nourishing for both.
And, as an uncanny side effect, the outer relationship mirrors exactly the changes going on in the inner one. Problems with the outer partner disappear the minute they disappear inside.
Here is a quote from my spiritual master Osho which confused me when I first heard it years ago, but now I understand his words perfectly. When the inner male and female find roots in the inner being, these roots drink from one and the same source. Then their apparently opposite choices carry the same recognizable and welcome vibration of presence.
In our logical minds
balance means between two opposite things.
In reality balance means disappearance of the opposition.
The two becoming one, their diametrically opposite ways
are merging into one, melting into one reality,
that is balance, true balance.”
Osho, The Transmission of the Lamp, Ch 3, Q 1
A seven days’ experiential training with Sagarpriya will be held at Osho Miasto in Italy, 13-19 November 2019: Inner Man Inner Woman Training (co-leader Amar Leela).