“Looking at my face…”
“I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’” – Tim Vine
“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.” – Andrew Lawrence
“Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door.” – Bill Bailey
“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.” – Milton Jones
“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm
“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’” – Tim Vine
“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.” – Milton Jones
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’” – Tim Vine
“I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.” – Ken Dodd
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.” – Tommy Cooper
“I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’” – Tim Vine
“The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
Credit inews.co.uk – featured image by Fares Hamouche on Unsplash
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