In this second part of her essay, Sarita writes on more losses, and includes instructions for a Completion Ceremony
Loss of a relationship
We all know the ending of the fairy tales, “And then they got married and lived happily ever after…” We dream of this scenario and wonder why relationships don’t last like promised in those childhood stories we heard. The purpose of this article is not to explore why relationships end (that can be the subject of another article) but how we can live through this transition in a way which will be positive rather than destructive. Basically, people change in many varied ways, and those changes do not always jibe with the chosen partner. If these changes become too problematic and the pain of being together is greater than the pleasure, then the couple may wish to dissolve their sexual relationship and transition into a new way of interaction.
Friendships also go through changes and may dissolve or evolve in new ways. And family ties go through radical metamorphosis as well. All of these changes have the potential to be lived positively or negatively depending on how we approach the transition.
If we cling to the past, it will be a very painful road we have chosen. If we can learn to express deep gratitude for what has been experienced with this person, and then let go, we are paving the way for new relationships based on a higher level of order.
I offer below, a ritual of completion which I have developed for couples who are getting divorced or are separating.
Completion Ceremony
This ceremony offers a clean way of letting go of a relationship and moving on from a place of gratefulness. If there is unfinished business when a couple finds that their life path is moving apart, then those incomplete issues will be carried into the next relationship and make learning the lessons posed by relating more difficult and more sticky. This ceremony is a Tantric way of bringing love and awareness to the transition, thus planting seeds of love and awareness for whatever comes next.
The couple can hold the ceremony in privacy, or the couple may choose to invite their friends and make a public celebration with it. Either way is good. (Also see my article, Life is change and transformation)
The basic elements are as follows:
- Each individual in the partnership make a list of everything you can remember you have shared together which has brought you joy and love. Include in this list the beautiful qualities of your partner and how much you have appreciated those qualities. Include also, how you have been benefited by the relationship and what lessons you have learned for your continuing life path. If you like, you can also include a poem of appreciation.
- Both together create a statement of why you are separating. The statement should not carry any blame but just be a simple statement of fact. For example, “We are separating because we have different soul callings and can no longer travel the same path together.”
- If there are children involved, a clear written affirmation as to how you will each continue to nurture the children while each following your individual life path is good. It is also good to affirm that while the child or children were born out of your union, you recognise that they have come through you, and yet are individuals, each one following his or her own soul calling. They are not dependent on your continuing sexual union in order to grow and be nurtured by love.
- You may like to prepare the above aspects before the actual ceremony.
- For the ceremony itself; wear ceremonial clothes and create a sacred space with decorations of your choice. Kneel or sit in front of each other, with some space between you. Each take turns reading out all the reasons why you are grateful for what you have shared together, the joys, the lessons and the beautiful qualities you have appreciated in the other. Then thank the other from the bottom of your heart for all those beautiful shared moments together. And bow down and touch his or her feet with a grateful heart, saying, “And now I let go.” After each one has done this then read out the mutual statement as to why you can no longer continue as a couple. And then read out the affirmation about the nurturing of the kids.
- Take something you have owned together which you both feel can function as a symbol of your relationship. Burn it. As it burns, dance around it (using music if you like) and celebrate the transition from this relationship into the new step in life. If there are friends with you, they can form a circle around you during the ceremony, and dance around the fire with you as you celebrate the transition. You may also like to include more dancing, feasting or other ways of celebrating the transition.
Freedom Is
In addition to the completion ceremony, it is helpful to do a practice described by Brandon Bays in her book, Freedom Is.
This practice helps us to face the pain of separation and move beyond it into soul communion, then bring the vastness of pure being back into the painful knots we carry, thus dissolving these knots. It is a deeply insightful and effective process.
The fact is, relationships have an addictive component. Love relationships in particular are physically addictive and our body chemistry is affected when the partner we are attached to is no longer there. It is important to be very patient as we go through withdrawal symptoms, just like we would be if going through detox or withdrawal from a drug. As the saying goes, ‘Time is a great healer.’ If you meditate with the technique described in the book, the time of healing will be speeded up.
Transforming grief into gratitude
If someone feels debilitated by the withdrawal from a loved one and wants revenge more than anything else, it will be very helpful to go and receive healing sessions. Colourlight Therapy and forgiveness work is particularly helpful in such a scenario.
I have recently gone through a strong shock when an intimate relationship ended unexpectedly. I was very much helped in my healing from this shock through forgiveness work and cranio sacral healing sessions. When a person disappears from our life, all we are truly left with, when all is said and done, is the gratitude for all the marvelous gifts we have experienced through our connection with that person. These gifts do not disappear when the person goes; they have become an integral part of us and we are enriched through having known this person.
Loss of home
The most dramatic loss of home I ever had was when Rajneeshpuram, the city Osho’s devotees had created in Oregon, USA dissolved almost overnight. We had spent 5 years creating an oasis in the desert scrublands. We had built an entire town, had a huge organic farm, 2 lakes, and had created so much vegetation in this parched area that deer were coming from miles around to take part in the bounty. They sensed that we were vegetarians and so came close enough to pet.
Internal and external pressures led to the demise of this amazing community based on love and meditation. After 13 years of having lived only within Osho’s Communities in India and Oregon, I found myself in the normal society having to earn money and survive. This was a testing time where I was able to discover my capacity to stay afloat in the world.
Such situations as this are certainly not easy. However, they bring out our strengths in many varied ways. I can never forget the realization I had as I cleaned the homes of multi-millionaires in Aspen Colorado, “It is strange,” I thought, “but it seems I am the queen and they are the beggars!” This thought came to me because I had what money cannot buy, happiness! And I saw many of these persons in their luxury houses living very miserable lives.
When we lose a home, it is an invitation to find the inner home. What is that place where we go to rest and recharge in our deep aloneness? There is a saying I love, “Home is where the heart is.” This is so true. As long as we are able to tune into the heart and listen to the still small voice of our heart’s wisdom, we can find our way in the wilderness of the unknown and unexpected.
Loss of job
I remember the day when I lost a job I was very attached to. I had been cleaning Osho’s house for 8 years when, suddenly, I was asked to move in an entirely new direction within his community. I was given one month to learn how to be a tour guide, press office representative and public speaker. This change was utterly shocking to me, especially since I was generally very shy and prone to self-reflection.
In the beginning I would come back and have a vomiting attack, after having given a tour to a group of 40 people from neighboring towns who came to gawk at our city in the Oregon desert. Finally I spoke to my boss and confessed that I could not possibly do this job because I was unable to communicate with these non-meditating people and, on top of it, they smelled of meat and this made me very ill. My boss asked me, “In what situation do you feel comfortable speaking and sharing?” I thought for a moment and then replied, “Only with my lover!” She beamed at me and said in her lovely lilting Chilean accent, “So that is your gift! When you give tours, offer public talks, or speak to the press, just imagine that they are all your beloveds. And allow this way of speaking to become your style of presentation.”
This became a revelation for me. I opened to my new job and way of expression like a flower opening to the sun. To this day, whenever I hold a conference or speak publicly on camera, I sense all of those listening and watching to be my intimate friends. This helps to anchor me within the heart as I speak.
Letting go into the new
When we are able to let go of the old, no matter how attached we are to it, the new – which then has space to come in – brings with it more of our potential. We all have different soul attributes that we bring with us from previous lives. When we allow our life to wind like a river into new and unpredictable terrain, we will often discover marvelous gifts we are carrying which we never suspected were there.
The loss of a job brings with it insecurity about money and survival. I find that centering on the fact that if I am here it means existence wishes for me to be here, helps me to feel at ease in this vast world. And if I am here, it also means that I must have something of value to offer to the world. I believe that this capacity of discovering our innate gift to the world on a soul level helps tremendously in finding our way to the work we can love and be passionate about. And if we are passionate about our work, we are bound to be a success.
The Angel of Rio
I am reminded of a story about the Angel of Rio. He was a young orphan boy of about 6 years living on the streets of Rio. He and a gang of other kids used to roam the streets looking for food to survive. During his forays he noticed that there were old people, in deep suffering, who had been abandoned by their families and who were too infirm to look after themselves.
The boy managed to gather the help and support of the gang of children to begin caring for these old people. They scavenged for food for them, and found ways to bathe and clothe them, keeping them alive in dire circumstances. Gradually, people came to realize the public service he and his gang were doing, and donations began coming towards them. And finally, with some help from foreigners, his gesture of love became a registered charity. As he grew, so did his passion to help all those bereft and downtrodden by circumstance.
This inspiring true story was published in Positive News. It brought tears to my eyes to imagine how that little boy reached beyond his troubles, found his resources of unconditional love and how this passion to help finally became a profession.
Seeds of change
Each loss we experience simultaneously plants seeds for the new. Just as a flower detaches from the plant and releases its seeds to the Earth, to grow into new flowers. So, each loss and transition in life offers potential for new beginnings. We can learn to melt with the ending and transition phases, remaining open and trusting the new beginning.
Featured image credit to Jack Deadman via unsplash.com
Related article
- Life is change and transformation – Sarita writes about the breaking up of a relationship and describes a Completion Ceremony to do this in a beautiful way
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