A note by Avikal – Part 7 of the Reporting from the Great Doubt series
These !three! have been (and the last one still is) my nemeses and my blessing.
Let me tell you how.
It was utterly humiliating being the shy and weak one growing up in the streets of Palermo, Sicily, in the ’50s. At the same time, it was quite confusing – the fact that my sensitivity and shyness were kind of (partially) appreciated and recognized in my family. I grew up confused, divided, rejecting and hiding what I perceived as weakness in myself and projecting it onto others.
!Weird! I am !Weird! I had thought, while sitting in an armchair in the living room of our home in Venice. Just a few weeks earlier my beloved little dog had died and I had cried my eyes out. And now I had just heard that my granddad Sebastiano, whom I loved deeply, has passed away – and I could not shed a single tear. I was frozen, stunned, isolated in my numbness, and I felt so weird! What would everyone think about me not crying? I was 12 then.
After a few months, as I was walking around the narrow streets of Venice, I suddenly had this very strong sense of being enclosed and surrounded by a kind of glass wall that was both protecting and isolating me. I did not have the words and understanding at the time, but many years later I recognized it as my superego’s (my inner judge) defense system in action. Again, I felt !Weird! and lonely.
So inevitably I began to choose the path of being BAD! Hallelujah! I quickly learnt to say NO, to push back, to provoke, to fight, to dominate, so that I could keep hiding and feel safe.
Something was changing inside, as !Weird! slowly became “different.” And I allowed myself to feel when and how I was feeling different. In fact, that “being different” became a pillar of my ego identity, of my being BAD, rebellious, dark, unpredictable and so on. And I was proud of it!
Martial arts practice, meditations, self-inquiry and therapy morphed all these traits, year after year, into centering, grounding, solidity, contact with myself, until the day came when, to my utter surprise, I discovered beauty, integrity, gentleness and honor within my !Weakness! And a delightful integration started happening, while the compulsion to be bad started dissolving. I was 49 then.
Step after step, revelation after revelation, direct experience after direct experience, working with the koans, especially the Who am I? and Who is in? I recognized and reconnected with Uniqueness and the mystery of it all. This is going on and on and on… and I love it!
Behind, around and deep into all this there was the main one: !Vulnerability!
Rejected, avoided, denied, my vulnerability has now become a trusted companion, a sought-out friend, a clear door into my heart and into emotional intelligence. Scary? Yes, still at times it is so. But that fear is not so overwhelming as it carries a gentle sense of empathy and excitement.
I feel, I am sensitive and open to mine and others’ feelings. I am open to feel the overwhelming nature of reality and do my best to stay present with it. I try to be alert, because I would often prefer to escape vulnerability and jump into reactions, especially rage.
I watch what triggers me and how I make myself small, a victim of my own conditioning. Sometimes I succeed, often I don’t; but when I don’t, I do not feel that I have failed, because I am learning to be more alert and vulnerable. Like in this moment now that I share all this with you.
And I feel blessed that I can do it.
Related articles
- Follow the whole series: Reporting from the Great Doubt
Featured image: photo by the author
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