…of course love affairs!
The 1st affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said, ‘You creepy lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf all afternoon – again!’
The 2nd affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified; it was the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Not this time!’
The 3rd affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
‘I have something to show you you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
We are aware that we already published this one earlier this year in Mr Schwartz, but it fits in here so nicely!
The 4th affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband open the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh, it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and as I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th affair
A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked, ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘I want to talk to the guy who owns this place!’
The bartender replied, ‘He is not available. He is upstairs – with my wife.’
‘And what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th and very best affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to,’ his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know, I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
Photo by Urban Gyllström on Unsplash
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