Jivan Mada answers a question about Relationships
My girlfriend and I go back and forth from having peace and love in our relationship to getting into huge hurricane-like arguments. We’ve always worked our way through the arguments and kept going with the relationship on the assumption that we’re working towards ending the conflict for good and just having the love. Yet if we really look at our past, we have no evidence that there will ever be an end to the conflict because conflict keeps happening over and over again, no matter how much better we get at maintaining the love. Are we working towards a fantasy? Can two people ever achieve peace and harmony in a relationship?
Most relationships eventually end in a conflict, or as a result of conflict, because one or the other partner has not taken responsibility for their own feelings and thoughts that the relationship is mirroring. If the relationship withstands the many seasons of purification, it naturally can grow into a stronger bond. However, to expect conflict to end is a hope created by the mind, which wants to reach a certain goal. If you drop your need to always be right, or to want the conflict to end, and instead look inside to see what the conflict is showing you about your own ego-mind, you can move from your head into your heart, and surrendering to love will happen naturally. Drop your need to have no conflict and accept the conflict just as you accept the love. If you accept one but deny the other, you are in trouble. You either accept both or drop both.
Each relationship has a history of unlived and unfinished business from this or previous lives that needs to be completed. Conflict provides the opportunity for issues to come to the surface so they can be seen, dealt with, and completed. Conflict helps us grow and evolve. It’s rare to have a relationship without any conflict. Every disagreement wakes us up and tells us when we’ve dozed off from the truth of our heart. Usually, when you are in your thoughts and focused on your own needs and desires, you miss seeing what is happening within your partner. So you get a wake-up call through a conflict to remind you to return to your heart. Unless both of you are alert and present in your heart, your minds are bound to clash because you both need to be awoken to the present.
If you are present, even disharmony is harmony because you aren’t trying to fix something or someone. Instead, you are keeping your focus on what you are learning. So there is no problem in disagreements or arguments if you keep your heart open and continue learning. What’s most important is that you don’t blame the other but look inside and become aware of your own unconscious. Everyone is a complex universe, and if you aren’t doing your inner work, you won’t see your own lessons within the relationship.
Generally, people don’t see their own lessons within the relationship because they remain focused on blaming or trying to change the other instead of looking inside and becoming more conscious of themselves. Unless you find your own truth, you will remain insecure and eventually suffocate yourself and your partner. For a relationship to last, both partners need to commit to being honest with each other, take responsibility for their own growth, and give each other space to grow.
Related article by the same author: 5 Tips for Creating Harmonious Relationships
Jeevan Mada came to Osho in 1978. After taking sannyas she was part of the communes in Pune and in Oregon. Thanks to her many questions to Osho, we heard him speak about Gurdjieff, Russia, surrender, and her question on “Let Go,” which became an all time video best-seller! In 1997, Mada developed the evolutionary Dalian Method (DM), to help people heal their physical and psychological wounds and awaken into consciousness. Mada travels internationally, giving talks, workshops and private sessions. madadalian.com
Mada’s twice-yearly 8-week long online course Healing Into Consciousness will be this spring from 16th March – 4th May 2014.