I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow last Saturday and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?”
At the mall on Monday, my sister and I passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. I just know, my sister won’t ever let me forget.
An insurance man visited me at home on Tuesday to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of the salesman.
I was at the golf store on Wednesday, comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”
While in line at the bank Thursday afternoon, my 3-year-old toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were peals of laughter.
On Friday, I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I posted them on Facebook in a hurry.
Comments came in quickly: “Hysterical … what fun … how naughty … you daredevil … reckless woman”… Puzzled, I took a closer look and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror – wearing nothing but a camera!
I somehow dread tomorrow…