One-liners off the stage.
“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs’.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” – Iain Stirling
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.” – Billy Connolly
“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.” – Sarah Millican
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute, I’m on the phone.’” – Alan Carr
“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” – Graham Norton
“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
“I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?” – Eric Lampaert
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