‘Oh God, an Asian comedian?

“‘Oh God, an Asian comedian? He’s going to be banging on about being Asian the whole time.’ Please don’t worry. Only about ten percent of my stuff is to do with me being Asian. The other ninety percent is based on my issues with white people.”

“I went to Sri Lanka to try and get in touch with my culture, and the problem that I’ve got is I can’t speak the language, but I look like I definitely should be able to.”

“I remember when it used to be hot days, my Dad would draw the curtains first thing in the morning and say, ‘the white people are going to get naked today’.”

“The reason I get TV is very much thanks to diversity quotas. I’m brown and I’ve got a lazy eye. Basically, you get ethnicity and disability. If they ever do a Bollywood Last Leg, you’re looking at the host.”

“I’m so self-conscious about my appearance that one day I woke up in the morning, I went to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. I went back to the bedroom and apologised to my wife for my appearance. She accepted my apology.”

“I’m an unattractive man, but I’ve not got unattractive as I’ve got older. I’ve always looked terrible. What that means is that I’m liberated from the ageing process, because I am never going to look worse. My life cycle is: look like s***, look like s***, look like s***, dead.”

“You know the people that were the hot ones in your year group? They were never nice to you because they’re so good-looking. What I like to do is I like to go on Facebook and check out how they’ve decayed.”

“I’m really into my conspiracy theories. One of the things that I believe quite strongly is that call centre workers are just pretending to be Indian because they can’t be arsed to help you.”

“For the price of a single ticket to go and watch a football match, I could take my whole family to a farm park. We could go on the donkeys. We could get lunch and tea. I could go on a tractor. All for the price of a single ticket. And that’s why I go and watch the football.”

“How do we know that the terrorists haven’t already won? What if their initial goal was just to make air travel f***ing annoying? Because if that was their initial goal, they’ve absolutely smashed it, mate.”

“Morons are taking over, aren’t they? And they’re reproducing more quickly than us. For every intelligent person using a condom, there are two dipsticks using cling film.”

Nicked from inews.co.uk

Romesh Ranganathan is an English actor and comedian. He is known for his deadpan and often self-deprecating comedy. romeshranganathan.co.uk