An insight by Leela after an Enlightenment Intensive group in the early days in Pune.
Today I had the thought to share some stories of powerful insights that I have experienced on the journey with Osho during these last 50 years. I have so many stories to tell from so many different perspectives. May you find them interesting and uplifting.
October 1975. I am on a short five-week visit to the Ashram in Poona to meet Osho in person for the first time. Near the end of my stay I had my evening Darshan meeting with Osho. He asked how long I was staying, to which I replied that I would have to leave in a few days’ time. He suggested I delay my return journey and participate in a three-day group called Enlightenment Intensive.
The group framework was to sit opposite a partner and be asked, “Tell me who you are.” One partner just listens without comment to the one answering the question; and then we would swap over. That would proceed back and forward for a short period, and then we would move to a different partner, asking and then listening to the same question. (This, by the way, was the first group conducted in the Ashram.)
After many hours of listening to the partner’s responses and answering the question myself, I began to hear how repetitive my answers were, and how basically negative. I had an image of letterboxes on which labels were displayed: I am somebody’s daughter, wife, mother, sister, secretary, and so on.
This had been going on for hours during the first day and I got so bored of hearing myself that I decided to speak of myself in a positive way, just to see what that might turn up. Out came, “I am funny, I love dancing, being an actress, singing,” and so on. I threw in a few made-up attributes while I was in the flow that my humour was releasing in me…
That’s when things took an interesting turn. I began to laugh at the surprise on people’s faces as I responded in this lightness and humour. We were supposed to be doing “serious” work, right? Suddenly I began to laugh so deeply that I fell backward off my cushion onto the ground, unable to control the overwhelming laughter.
As this was somewhat of a disturbance to the group, the group leader came over and suggested that I “come back to the process.” That just set me off even more, and I was now laughing with tears streaming down my face, unable to “pull myself together.”
The group had a break to go for a walk, while I lay in the room exhausted from the experience. I then had the realisation that I had no idea who I was, but was functioning from who I ‘thought’ I was. This understanding was very strong and also quite shattering.
What a breakthrough it was to realise that I had no idea who I was at all! Like living as a chameleon; changing colours, actions, behaviours in order to fulfill the expectations of others.
From that point on, the whole process moved far deeper for me – as I realised that in order to answer the koan question, I had had to do a somersault backward in my mind to the past, the history, the memory, which is where I was basically living from. Now I sensed that if I answered from the present moment I would have almost nothing to say. And that was so profound.
This was an early experience for me of how laughter – with its intelligence and rebellious qualities – can transform our perception of life.
On my return to England I had many months of having to witness myself in the old perception of who I thought I was, and in the new awakening awareness of being in the present… as much as I was able to be.
(In later years Osho changed the question asked in the process to “Tell me who is in,” which gives a whole new level of awareness and understanding.)
Leela will be facilitating a Mystic Rose group and training in Kerala, India (3-24 February 2024).
Featured image by Dushawn Jovic on Unsplash
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