“It’s a challenge NOT to run away from what is fueling the craving, but to remember to stick my head INTO it,” writes Subhan
Craving something is a fertile area for inquiry.
Here is what I noticed, and now understand, after a long time of watching the craving for something!
In earlier times, whenever I was aware of craving something, there only seemed to be two reactions to it: either indulge in what was craved; or suppress the desire to indulge.
And that became a battle! Because one part of the mind wanted to indulge. (Oh, how it wanted to indulge in eating that croissant! Or binge-watching something on Netflix!) And another part wanted to stop the possibility of indulging. (You shouldn’t eat such fattening food. It’s unhealthy! Or, don’t waste your life going down the rabbit hole of videos!)
It was a constant battle! One part would win… only slowly to be overtaken by the other part. Indulge… suppress… indulge… suppress. It became a never-ending yo-yo of ‘yes’ desires fighting ‘no’ admonitions inside.
And then… with Osho’s guidance, I began to shift my exploration into what looked like an endless, losing battle.
He says that the object of the craving isn’t the important part. That objects can be substituted for other objects. I realized the truth in this, remembering that when I had stopped smoking a number of years back – and I succeeded in not going back to smoking – I soon gained over thirty pounds! The object of craving – the smoking – had changed into craving fattening food.
So, if the object of the craving wasn’t the most important part of the craving episodes, what was?
And then, it became clear – to look at the craving and discover what it was, separate from the object of the craving.
At first, this was a murky exploration. If I craved something, I would stop. And it was possible for at least a moment, I could readily see the two options: to indulge or suppress. But, when I stopped looking at the object that was craved, and just stayed with the experience of craving, I soon discovered that the movement toward craving was subtly driven by the need to ‘fill’ myself – with candy or food or movies, etc. – with diversions.
But what was I diverting myself from?
This exploration was like going down another type of rabbit hole! There was just a lot of mental conjecturing as to what preceded a craving. But if I stopped focusing on the object of the craving, and just stayed with the craving, something began to shift.
I could recognize at first, that there was boredom there.
And slowly, some feeling of unattributable anxiety became recognizable.
Staying with it, it seemed that the ancient desire to seek pleasure and avoid pain played a significant role in what led me to crave something. It really was a shift of gears that came, not from a desire to change something, but to see that staying with what preceded the craving was more significant than indulging or suppressing the object of the craving.
Flash forward to now: things/objects are still craved! And there are times when indulging in them happens. But the subtle awareness of watching the craving rather than the object often becomes available; and slowly, it is possible to just watch what is driving it, without the need to indulge or suppress.
As of now, the exploration is incomplete (and that seems to be the reality in most of the explorations that are a part of my life).
But now, craving becomes a challenge not to run away from what is fueling it, but to remember to stick my head into it, instead of focusing on the object.
And this adds to the amazing adventure of being in this life, in this body and mind and emotions!
I hope that this sharing gets you interested in exploring your own cravings. And if you do, let me know (shubhan@worldofmeditation.com) what’s happening for you! Sharing these experiences can be so supportive on this path of discovery!
Featured image by Larissa Megale
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