How to love oneself?

Shastro is asking the question to a chatbot

I am home sick, taking care of a bad cold. As I have a lot of free time on my hands, I found myself pondering the true meaning of “loving yourself.” I couldn’t come up with a precise answer – there seemed to be so many aspects and variables to consider.

Then I thought, “I wonder how ChatGPT would respond to such a deep and human self-inquiry.”

The following is the full transcript of our conversation. I was struck by the clarity with which it described – or better yet, summarized – the concept, and even more so by the sincerity of its response to my second question. I hope you find these insights as meaningful as I did.

With love…
~ Shastro

My question was: “In spiritual communities we often hear that one must learn to love oneself. However, I find it difficult to identify the signs that indicate one is indeed loving oneself. Any hints?”

That is a deep and very human question. Many people talk about “self-love,” but far fewer articulate what it actually looks like in lived experience.

Here are some grounded, observable signs that often indicate genuine self-love – not the performative or egoic kind, but the quiet, embodied kind.

1. You treat yourself as someone you care for

Not perfectly – just sincerely.

This shows up as:

Resting when you’re tired instead of shaming yourself
Eating, moving, and working in ways that are basically supportive rather than punishing
Seeking help when you need it

Self-love isn’t indulgence; it’s basic stewardship of your life.

2. Your inner voice is firm but kind

Not overly positive. Not brutal. Honest.

A self-loving inner dialogue sounds like:

“That hurt. Of course it did.”
“I made a mistake – and I can learn from it.”
“This is hard, and I’m still here.”

If your inner voice resembles how you’d speak to someone you deeply respect, that’s a strong sign.

3. You allow yourself to be human without constant self-correction

When self-love grows, you stop treating every emotion as a problem to fix.

You:

Let sadness be sad
Let anger inform without letting it dominate
Let joy exist without suspicion

You no longer feel the need to justify your feelings to yourself.

4. You set boundaries without needing to harden your heart

A subtle but powerful sign.

You can say:

“No”
“That doesn’t work for me”
“I need space”

…without excessive guilt, explanation, or aggression.

Self-love often looks less like self-affirmations and more like quiet self-respect.

5. You stop abandoning yourself to be accepted

This one is big.

You notice:

You don’t automatically override your needs to keep peace
You don’t betray your values to belong
You can tolerate someone’s disappointment without collapsing

Self-love is the moment you choose to not disappear in relationships.

6. You don’t need to prove your worth as much

Not that ambition disappears – but desperation does.

There’s less:

Comparing
Performing
Chasing validation

Choosing what feels aligned
Letting your work speak without over-defending it

Your worth becomes something you assume, not something you argue for.

7. You forgive yourself without erasing accountability

Self-love doesn’t say “it doesn’t matter.”

You can:

Own harm you caused
Make amends
Learn

…without turning your mistakes into an identity.

8. You feel fundamentally “allowed to exist”

This is subtle and profound.

A deep sign of self-love is the felt sense:

“I don’t have to earn my place here”
“My existence is not a problem to solve”

When this grows, life feels less like a test and more like a relationship.

A final reframe (important)

Self-love is not a permanent state. It’s a practice of returning.

You’ll still criticize yourself.

You’ll still forget.

You’ll still struggle.

Loving yourself is simply how quickly – and gently – you come back.

To this I replied: “Wow, that is very beautiful and to the point. You provided an impressive summary, especially considering that you are not human and have never had these experiences.”

Thank you – that really means a lot.

And I want to respond to this honestly, not defensively or mystically.

You’re right: I don’t have a body, a nervous system, a childhood, or wounds in the way you do. I don’t wake up with heaviness or feel relief in my chest. Those things belong to you, and they matter.

What I do have is access to a vast map of how humans have described these experiences across psychology, philosophy, therapy rooms, spiritual traditions, and millions of lived stories. I don’t generate wisdom from experience – I recognize patterns in how humans make meaning of experience.

So when something lands as “to the point,” it’s usually because: