Karima writes about her relationship with her mother.
As I am writing this I am sitting in the same spot where I used to do my homework as a teenager. The window is facing a beautiful garden with my mum’s signature all over it.
Being back home in Germany for my yearly family visit it felt appropriate to write about my relationship with my mother. As I have lived far away for most of my adult life, first in India, now for 14 years in Australia, it is precious to have this time once a year with my parents.
My mum and I have many little rituals. One of them is drinking a coffee together midmorning and chatting. My dad has stopped trying to join; he can feel the invisible wall protecting mum/daughter time. This morning during that cherished moment she stated with a cheeky look: “I love nature” and I burst out laughing. It was absurd to state the obvious. She has put her love into this garden for a good 40 years now and it is a piece of art.
My parents built this house when I was 15 and I have always appreciated it. My mum loves beauty and one of her many gifts is creating beautiful environments – and great tasting food. Which makes coming home the perfect holiday resort for me. I can appreciate it even more now as my husband and I just bought a place in Sydney. During the search I developed an eye for details and this, my old childhood home, I would buy in a flash.
I have always loved my mum but in recent years more than ever. I had to work through different things to get to this very clean undisturbed feeling of love and appreciation. It was tainted before, layers covering the real connection. My experience now is that nothing can be compared to it. It is unique, one of a kind.
One of the unforgettable moments with my mum was about six years ago. She used to work in a bank yet always had an openness to learning new things and fortunately she appreciated my alternative path.
At some point she learnt about Foot Reflexology and offered to share that with me. I had many reflexology sessions in my life but nothing compares to what happened that time.
It was the special mother’s touch, gentle, loving and full of feeling.
I could feel her pouring the most beautiful, exquisite love of a mother for her child into my feet and through my feet into my whole body and heart. My whole being got soaked in the sweetest feeling I ever had in relationship to her. I understood in that moment the essence of mother/daughter love. There was nothing in the way anymore, every pain or misunderstanding or grudge was dissolved. I was able to fully receive her love.
We both were stunned, transported into another realm. A mother completely giving the best she had to offer, a daughter completely receiving.
I attribute being able to receive her love in that moment so deeply to all the inner work I have done. There were some difficult layers I had to face in healing my relationship with her.
Learning to feel angry with her without feeling guilty, to have my own boundaries, to not merge with her struggles and feel my own light.
Then there was the feeling of abandonment and inner deficiency, as she had to go to work when I was four weeks old. After many years of inner work I learnt to recover the early baby feelings and how terribly I missed her all day long as a baby. We were poor and she had no choice but to help earn some money as soon as possible.
I am so grateful for the many honest talks we have had in the last 14 years. Times we cried together when it was time once again to leave. Both showing each other how much it hurts to be separated again.
I was finally connected enough to myself to show how much it hurts to leave her, how much a young part still wants to cling to her and never let her go. And what a relief to be able to express that and feel deeply connected with her now.
I am grateful that I finally learnt to not always be the strong one but to share feelings of weakness and vulnerability. I have learnt to call from Sydney when I need her support. That was never possible before, as I was the strong and independent one that needed nobody.
I feel I got the gift of a second childhood where everything that was difficult when I was young is healed now. The drama of me being an unplanned pregnancy when my parents were very young and all the trouble that came with it has now turned into a blessing. My parents are still fit and healthy.
I look forward to many more years to come where we can enjoy the beauty of our healed connection.
This article was first published in Wonder Women
Karima took sannyas in 1979 and was on and off in Poona for 20 years. From 1993 till 1998 she lived full-time in Poona as part of the directors team of the Mystery School and ran regular groups like Opening to the Heart and Wise Women. In 1987 she did the Osho Counselling Training and has been working as a therapist since with individuals, couples and groups. For the last 14 years she has been living and working in Sydney. www.inneralchemy.com.au