How much sex you have, has no bearing on your ability to love or be loved by another human being, writes Steve Hibbins. Published on The Good Men Project on September 7, 2019.
“The man who goes from one woman to another, is often considered a great lover. But all he is really doing is avoiding his own pain as much as anything. When you connect deeply with another person, you will inevitably come up against rough edges.” – Osho – [might be paraphrased, ed.]
At first, when I read this, I thought yes, 100% true. But as I’ve contemplated it more, I’ve realized that for some, the idea of a light, flirty, fun fling, sex included, is ok. But when you want to go deeper, into trust, vulnerability, and connection, that’s where for me, this philosophy rings true.
Osho goes on to say:
[The man who goes from one to another] “is trying to avoid any deep involvement because with deep involvement, problems have to be faced, and much pain has to be gone through. So one simply plays safe; one makes it a point never to go too deeply into somebody.
If you go too deep you may not be able to come back easily… If I go very deep in you, the only way is to allow you to go that deep in me. It is a give and take, it is a sharing… So people learn how to play safe: just let surfaces meet — hit-and-run love affairs.
Maturity comes only when you are ready to face the pain of your being; maturity comes only when you are ready to take the challenge. And there is no greater challenge than love.” ~ Osho
So what do you think?
Are you a hit and run love affair kind of lover? Are you in it just for a bit of light escapism, a quick fix, great sex, the thrill of the chase?
There’s nothing wrong with great sex. H*ll yes! Give me great sex any day. And great sex CAN be had with a total stranger. But when it comes to sharing your deepest self with another human being, who knows you and loves you for all of who you are, I think Osho is onto something.
You see, the thing is, great sex in isolation is all about pleasure. Two bodies meet, exchange and explore the landscape of each other’s body. Nothing wrong with that. But great sex is more than just the sex.
If you want that full-bodied soul connection with someone, from where great sex can emerge, where trust is built, love has been nurtured, and you both allow each other into each other’s world in a way that goes beyond the 5 senses and orgasms, then it takes some time to build that. And it doesn’t always guarantee great sex. That’s because, for a great lover, great sex isn’t the goal.
For me, these thoughts from Osho re-iterate the value and beauty of going deep into a relationship with your person, whilst not getting lost in the process.
Through dating I learned what it means to live in the top few layers of attraction and lust, but as Osho says, “that’s not love,” and its rewards do not even go close to satisfying the deep ache for love and connection.
Yes, I said love and connection. Men want this also.
It’s through a real relationship that I learned the true art of diving deeper, of sensing & feeling & experiencing my true heart, and hers, of knowing and realizing that it is NOT all about me, and never was.
I knew from day one she was different. I knew she was truly a gift and I am reminded of it regularly. I’m not looking for a hit and run love affair, as intoxicating as that may be. I want to live long, truthfully, and passionately with my person, and practice the art of loving. To me, this is the skill of becoming a great lover.
Osho touches on the concept of avoiding pain, because when you go deep with a person, you will come up against wounds, insecurities, fears and pain. It’s not sexy, is it? Who wants to deal with another person’s pain right? We’ve all got enough of our own.
But pain is there to help us find healing. And to find healing is the whole purpose of loving. We can heal each other through the way that we choose to love.
That’s why for me, the stereotypical lover image of a man who confidently struts his stuff, flexing and f*cking whomever he chooses, is the stuff of fantasy.
To me, being a great lover is all about giving, surrender, respect, patience, space, loyalty, faithfulness, trust, sharing not taking, freedom not fear, of staying in your person as she remains in hers, of showing up, of bringing all of who you are to all of who she is, of diving in deep, together and apart, of making meals together, laughing at each other’s quirks, of managing life and family, of being her king, of knowing her body and her soul, of learning when to ravish and when she simply needs your kindness and gentleness.
Quote by Osho from Dang Dang Doko Dang, Ch 8, Q 3
About Steve Hibbins: Passionate about how we as men lead clear, calm, confident lives, Steve challenges us to be curious about how we each navigate the waters of love, sex and relationships, conflict, closeness and space. How we do this in ways that still help us feel alive, connected and strong, is at the heart of his message. Steve is married, with 2 of his own boys and 3 step kids. He is a drummer, sound healer, digital marketer and writer. He enjoys sharing the ongoing conversation with other like-minded men (and women), who are asking similar questions and facing similar challenges, as together we find the ways that work, with honesty, vulnerability and rawness. Connect with Steve via his Bulletproof Relationships Facebook page.