The power of her own being

Letters / Notes

Based on her many experiences with Kundalini meditation, Rhea sent us this autobiographical story.

Rhea meditator

I started going to Oshodham as a child, given that my mother is a sannyasin [Ma Dhyan Parineeta]. For the last couple of years, I’ve been attending camps every now and then, especially those conducted by Swami Anand Kul Bhushan. Listening to Osho discourses and meditating amidst the greenery; in an environment as safe and accepting as home; dancing to my own soul’s rhythm; experiencing a different kind of bliss with each of Osho’s meditation technique and shedding a layer every time. Because of the camps I found myself rediscovering a bond with nature, and more than that, reconnecting to a deeper self I wasn’t even aware existed.

For me, Kundalini meditation is one of the most enjoyable meditations, for it facilitates one to slip into a state of relaxation and calm without even realising. The first stage of shaking seems to release all the blocked energies from every part of the body. The consequent dance feels to me like a celebration of all the free-flowing positive energies, which gives me the utmost joy, leading to a state of serenity while listening to the healing music in the third stage. By the last stage, the whole body becomes weightless. Kundalini meditation relaxes, heals and energizes me at the same time.

She walked into her room, and locked the door as if with no desires of letting it open ever again. She slid the curtains back, allowing the moonlight to enter the dark room. With no sense of awareness of herself or the things around her, she released her hair from the tightly tied old band and put on a music she had never heard before. With only percussions, that seemed to make even the walls shiver, she closed her eyes and started dancing. Banging her head and jumping to the strange beats, she was giving herself up to the music. There was no more present, no more thoughts restraining her. Even the physical lifeless things constituting the whole of the little room lost their presence. She lost herself completely. A scene far too outrageous on the outside, her movements seemed to no more be a result of her mind’s directions. All that was happening inside her heart was beyond comprehension. The world had taken a dramatic pause and everything else, that had ever been a matter of concern for her, had ceased to exist.

She wasn’t just letting go. She was accepting, allowing her inner deeper most self to take form. Allowing her spirit to take form. The spirit that is always suppressed by all of us and buried deep beneath layers of social conditioning.

We’ve all had an encounter with such a moment in our lives. That overwhelming feeling to just drop all that we think we are and venture into the unknown self we know exists in us but never explored. Caused by different triggers, the moment does arrive for everyone. Succumbing to our cultured sanity however, most of us forbid the extraordinary moment to take control of us. We end up spending whole lifetimes developing ways to avoid such urges, scared to give in to a feeling so powerful.

But the girl’s walls had been knocked down and her naked defenceless self decided to face it. She gave up completely the ability to think or contemplate anything. Letting the air surrounding her be the guide, and the music her healer, she followed her feet. Whichever way and in whatever manner they wanted to move, her whole body just followed. Her hands seemed to know a lot more than she could understand, moving sometimes graciously sometimes obnoxiously.

Whether it was a ritual manifesting itself, or a dance form unknown to her, or just senseless movements, it did not matter. Nothing mattered now. She was setting herself free. Her spirit was setting itself free. The music had caught on a pace she could no longer perceive. Despite running out of breath, her body continued as if it no longer wished to remain under the reigns of the ‘logical’ and ‘rational’ mind. She managed to hurt herself too once or twice, bumping into some furniture of the tiny room. But nothing could make her feel anything, except the music. The music had come to life for her. And she was dancing with it, letting it possess her totally.

Having exhausted herself beyond all limits, her feet finally came to a halt. Her eyes still closed, she began taking off all her clothes. With a slight reluctance she opened her eyes and stood in front of the mirror, naked. Though this wasn’t the girl’s first time looking at her naked self, this time she didn’t avert her eyes. There was not an ounce of regret or resentment. No feelings of disdain for her body now surfaced, that had haunted her for years. All that there was left was acceptance. Accepting her skin, her body, the spirit that made her who she was. With tears wetting her cheeks, she felt a sense of pride, embracing every cell of the body she was looking at. That extraordinary moment, that overwhelming feeling had managed to consume all of her. And when it left, it left behind only love and gratitude. Love for her own self, and gratitude for everything that made up that self.

It was as if she had been kept captive all this time, in a prison with no bars or windows, just closed dark walls. Someone had suddenly pushed her out. Thrown her onto a field of green grass under a brightly shining sun. The warmth of her body, the throbbing in her heart, the sweat rolling down her neck, it felt like she was sent back to life. In the dimly lit room, she continued gazing at her body and the silhouette appeared to disappear, uniting with the air around her. The act of accepting her own truth and embracing it had set her free. There was no room left for any kind of hatred, for herself or her body. It was a precious gift from God after all. Wiping her tears away, she smiled at the mirror, and so did her soul. Her eyes glistening like the tiny stars shimmering with the moonlight.

After having dressed herself, she opened the door, as if it was never to be closed again. As she walked out, she could feel a profound sense of power flowing through her. The power of her own being.

Rhea

Rhea is a History honours student of Hindu college, Delhi University.

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