Love is very fragile


Osho talks in a darshan to a sannyasin; “Love is… very delicate. One has to be very very careful and cautious about it.”

Osho in darshan

A sannyasin mother says she is having problems in her relationship: I find myself being very bitchy and nagging sometimes. I feel I’m just asking for a fight all the time.

Mm mm, love always brings trouble – and it has to be faced. Love cannot be always smooth, and it is good that it is not always smooth, otherwise you would not grow.

Whenever there is a change, any sort of change, things will come into focus more clearly. When change disturbs you, all your inner disturbances are stirred. You are both feeling disturbed and both trying to throw the responsibility on the other. Just try to see it inside yourself. The other is never responsible. Remember that as a mantra: The other is never responsible….

Just watch it… just watch it. If you become wise in the moment, there will be no problem. This is wisdom that you get later on. Everybody becomes wise when the moment is gone. Retrospective wisdom is worthless. When you are picking on something, at that very moment become aware, and let awareness function. Immediately you will drop it.

But when you have done everything and fought and nagged and bitched and then you become wise and see that there was no point in it, it is too late. It is meaningless – you have done the harm. This wisdom is just pseudo-wisdom. It gives you a feeling as if you have understood. That is a trick of the ego. This wisdom is not going to help. When you were doing the thing, at that very moment, simultaneously, the awareness should arise, and you should see that it is useless.
If you can see it when it is there, then you cannot do it. One can never go against one’s awareness, and if one goes against it, that awareness is not awareness. Something else is being mistaken for it.

So remember, the other is never responsible for anything. It is something boiling within you. And of course the one you love is closest to you. You cannot throw it on some stranger passing on the road, so the closest person becomes the place where you go on throwing and pouring your nonsense. But that has to be avoided, because love is very fragile. If you do it too much, if you overdo it, love can disappear.

The other is never responsible. Try to make this such a permanent state of awareness in you that whenever you start finding something wrong with the other, remember it. Catch yourself redhanded, and drop it then and there. And ask to be forgiven.

And the second thing. Don’t think that love is eternal. It is very fragile. It is as fragile as a rose flower. In the morning it is there – by the evening it is gone. Any small thing can destroy it. In fact the higher a thing, the more fragile it is. It has to be protected. A rock will remain there but the flower will be gone. If you throw a rock against the flower, the rock is not going to be hurt, but the flower will be destroyed.

Love is very fragile and very delicate. One has to be very very careful and cautious about it. You can do such harm that the other becomes closed, becomes defensive. That’s how one becomes closed. If you are fighting too much he will start escaping you; he will start becoming more and more cold, more and more closed, so he is no more vulnerable to your attack. Then you will attack him more because you will resist that coldness. This can become a vicious circle. And that’s how lovers fall apart by and by. They drift away from each other, and they think that the other was responsible, that the other betrayed them.

In fact as I see it, no lover has ever betrayed anybody. It is only ignorance that kills love – nobody betrays it. Both wanted to be together, but somehow both were ignorant. Their ignorance played tricks upon them and became multiplied. By and by they drifted. Then they think that love is dangerous.

Love is not dangerous. Only unawareness is dangerous.

There are many people who avoid love just to be on safe ground. There are people who don’t want to get committed in any relationship because they know that once you are committed and you come close, fighting starts, resistance starts, and ugly things bubble up, so what is the point? At the most they are interested in sexual relationships, but not in intimacy. And unless a relationship is intimate and deep, you will never know what relationship is. Just a sexual relationship is a peripheral thing, and you will never be contented by it.

These things are natural. One has to accept them and by and by transcend them. If you feel too much anger, move into your room, beat the pillow, cry, weep, scream, but do it alone. Why show your ugly face to the other? What is the point? Just cathart.

A wise person moves through his unhappiness alone, and whenever he is happy, comes and shares it with people. A fool shares his unhappiness with people, and when he is happy he sits alone.

Osho, Beloved of My Heart, Ch 1

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