Anshu and her three-year-old son Tosho are present in darshan. They have relationship problems.
Anshu feels her energy divided between what she wants to do – attending the morning talk, meditating, running groups – and what Tosho demands of her. It’s a constant fight and it’s every day, she says.
Anshu: And what’s coming up and scaring me is I’m feeling really violent feelings. It’s the first time I’ve felt like that. It seems crazy – when I look at him I don’t feel it. I go for so many hours and then something goes just snap and I just feel this violence.
Tosho, by her side, turns around and watches her as she speaks. Mm, you say, and look, smiling, at him. He regards you, his brown eyes wide, mouth open, then busies himself fiddling with his toes.
Osho: Mm mm mm…. Love always contains some violence. The people who say ‘Make love not war’ are right, but when you make love, war comes in. Love leads to war. You cannot have a world only with love and without war. War is implied. All relationships contain some violence. One goes on pretending that it is not there but here with me you cannot pretend long; you will have to see the truth of it. Now, if you surrender to his needs you will become more violent because you will feel more antagonism. He will look like the enemy. Because of him you cannot go to the talk, you cannot meditate, you cannot do your groups. You cannot do what you want to do because of him.
You will not be able to forgive him. And you will take subtle revenge, which will be more destructive. That is what is happening all over the earth: mothers sacrifice and then they take revenge. And no child is ever able to forgive the mother. Children are very intuitive. They are not intellectual, they are not yet intellectual, so they are more intuitive. Intellect destroys intuition. Children are yet to be trained for the intellect; the more they are trained in the intellect, the less intuitive they will be. Then you can deceive them. Right now you cannot deceive them. You can pretend one thing but they will see through the pretension and they will see that you are feeling angry. On the surface you are showing love, on the surface you are surrendering, but deep down you are angry. They will immediately feel it. And a child who is born out of you remains very deeply connected with your psyche; any vibration in your psyche and he immediately vibrates. So pretentions won’t do.
I will not suggest that you surrender to him, because that will create more violence in you, more repression, more anger, more frustration. And a great murderous desire will arise. You will start thinking ‘If this child were not there….’ That’s the same thing. You are saying in a polite way that you would like the child to disappear. That is a murderous desire. Every mother feels it because every mother sacrifices. I am never for sacrifice. And it is not going to help him either, because the more you pamper him, the more his demands will be there.
And never think of children as just children. They are not just children, they are small people, that’s all! (a chuckle) They know everything that is happening all around. Now he is listening to everything that I am saying, he is trying to get hold of it. So don’t pamper him. Pampering never leads to anything. Just make it clear to him that this is what you want to do and the remaining time is for him. In the remaining time you give him your totality. When you give, you give totally, but when you want to go to the talk or to the meditation or the group, you have to be totally there. Then forget all about him.
This will be a good experience for him to grow; he will become more centred from right now. And he will understand that people have their needs – his mother is a person and she has her own needs, as he has his needs. She loves him when she is with him, she helps him, but when she wants to do her thing she has to do her thing. This understanding will arise soon. This is a tacit understanding. If it arises between mother and child then their life will be totally different. The life of the whole earth will be totally different. Then you don’t sacrifice; your love is just joy, there is no duty involved in it. When it is sheer joy you are not asking for any return. You will never ask. You will always feel grateful to him that he allowed you to love and allowed you to have that joy of sharing, loving. You will feel grateful and he will feel grateful to you. And he will never feel antagonistic because there will be no reason. If the mother sacrifices, the child will feel antagonistic. We can never forgive a person who sacrifices for us because he becomes a load, a heavy weight on the heart.
So just do your thing, let him do his. And children are very perceptive: once they see the point, that this is the way things are going to be, they immediately accept it. They don’t fuss around. If they do, that simply means that you are confused and they are seeing your confusion. Otherwise yes is yes and no is no. They understand it. But if they see that your yes is just impotent or your no is just so-so and deep down there is yes, if they just hit you a little more, if they go on in a tantrum a little more, the yes will come up, they can change you…. If you give that feeling to the child then there will be trouble; the trouble is created by you. If you are very clear-cut, if you call a spade a spade, they understand. They immediately accept the contract. They know what is available to them and they are contented with it.
This will give him integrity, centering, this will make him a better individual, on his own, from right now.
[You glance his way again. He’s lying on his tummy, gazing idly at the front row of sannyasins.]
Osho: This will make you happy and only a happy mother can love the child. Only a mother who feels fulfilled in her own creativity, in her own world, can be loving to the child. So when you go back to him you will have a real desire to love and there will be nothing else in it.
So this is my advice to you. It will be a little hard in the beginning – all good things are a little hard in the beginning. Always remember that. Just don’t deceive yourself by sweetening things, because today you can sweeten them but tomorrow that is going to become poison. All sugar is poison. Just accept him as a small person, not a child. He has as much consciousness, in fact more, than he will ever have. He has more intelligence than he will ever have, because the school will destroy it, the college will destroy it, the university will destroy it – almost ninety percent will disappear. By the time he is back from the university he will have only ten percent. He will be a stupid person. Right now he has all available, he is one hundred percent intelligent.
This is a new exploration in the world of the child. A scientist in Japan has been working for thirty years with children and his experience is that every child is born with a high I.Q., and slowly, slowly his I.Q. starts dropping. He becomes mediocre and by the time he is able to do something he is almost stupid. This scientist has experimented and discovered many beautiful things. He says that even a six-month-old child is able to swim. He has experimented with children and in his school, six-month-old children are swimming! Looks very risky, but his thirty years’ observation is this: that they are so intelligent that they can do whatsoever you allow them to do. He says kindergarten is too late. The real education should be earlier than that, kindergarten is already too late. His research is going to affect the whole of humanity in the future, because my own experience is the same: children are utterly intelligent.
Now he is relaxing because once he understood that I told you not to surrender to him, he says ‘Finished!’ (laughter) He is showing his attitude: ‘Finished, now it is gone!’ Just help him to be himself and you be yourself, mm? Good!
Osho, Let Go!, Ch 14