Family tree

A technique from Madhuri’s collection – a way to help a child upset by a death in the family

I read this in a magazine or book somewhere, and was much struck by it. A client tried it at my suggestion; because the exercise required cooperation from his estranged spouse, proceedings went slowly. I can’t report from experience more than that. But here’s why I’m certain it works: my own mother told her seven kids stories from her own life, those of her ancestors, and those of our dad (he rarely said anything, though we asked and asked).

These stories, told again and again, formed some kind of nourishing loam for the trees of our lives. I am convinced that wings tremendously benefit from roots; and that meditation is done best on the basis of a solid sense of oneself and where one has come from. I don’t know why I feel that – perhaps just because I love stories – but if one is going to do Who Is In? or Vipassana, and get one’s mind blown all to hooey, it’s nice to be sitting on a solid velvet cushion, in a body. It just is.

In other words, if you’re going to dis-identify, first identify consciously and clearly; and maybe even with love. The inventor of Family Constellation, Bert Hellinger, said, “Nirvana is when I, and all who belong to me, are in my heart.”

There are of course cultures where ancestors are revered. I don’t have any experience with this, so I don’t know what it feels like, or what its value might be. I have read about ‘child migrants’, children taken from orphanages in England, told they were going on a day-trip (if they were told anything), and shipped en masse to Australia, or New Zealand, to diabolical orphanages where they were called by numbers rather than names; were told their parents had died (usually they were not actually orphans at all) and did not know their own date of birth, real names, or anything at all about their forbears.

And, of course, they were used as slave labour, sexually, verbally, and physically abused, and when they grew up and emerged from the institution – if they ever did – were prevented from searching for their own documentation (and anyway, in many cases, had never been taught to read). These people do not fare well with either mental health (as it is known; since apparently to say ‘emotional health’ is just too scary) or what is loosely known as ‘success in life’.

The idea of this is dreadful to me! (The New Zealand government has just unreservedly apologised; other governments have steadfastly refused to face what was done. I hope they take an example from the Kiwis.) In my work, over the years, I have encouraged many clients to find out everything they can about their own histories and that of their families. I just think it helps.

You will need:

a poster-size piece of card or paper
poster paints
paper to cut out and glue, and to draw on
scissors
magic markers
craft glue
pens
as many photos of relatives as you can gather – print out, or copy and cut out people’s images

The method

A child who is deeply upset and disoriented by a death in the family – including the death of a cat or dog or guinea pig or any other pet – can be much helped in this way:

Parents, with the help of any other family members who’d like to contribute, make a family tree with the child participating. Find out dates of births and deaths, and position everybody on a big tree that you paint. Put photos or drawings for each person in the proper place, including the pets and the child himself. (Include any stillbirths.)

This way he sees who is in the family, and his place in it.

This technique will also be part of Madhuri’s upcoming book, titled Techniques I Have Loved

Featured image: Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash