How I became a painter

Shivananda’s initiation – as told to Punya

This is the story about how I really became a painter. It starts around 1982, with me working as a graphic designer for the Zurich Meditation Centre (first called Gyandip and later Kota), and Shivani who had just arrived from Germany to work with us. The moment I saw her, I knew she was going to be my soulmate.

To explain: a soulmate is somebody you know from a past life, and now you have found each other again. For sure you are going to spend this life together, and who knows about your next life? This, as I understood it then, is the concept of ‘soulmate’. I was very much influenced by Richard Bach, who wrote the famous book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. He also wrote a less-known book called The Bridge Across Forever: a True Love Story, which is about soulmates. After reading that book, whenever I happened to see a woman, I always had this question in my mind: Is she maybe my soulmate?

When I met Shivani I felt that she was my soulmate – also because of our names, which we had both received from Osho: Shivani / Shivananda. There was that connection with Shiva and Tantra, and also the way we were together, how we connected with each other. It was very much like that.

After the Zurich commune went bankrupt and closed, we stood there with no money. So, as a game, we made a list of all the things we wanted to have, what we basically were missing at this point. And this included a lot of material things. For instance I wanted to finally get my driver’s license. I wanted to have a BMW and she wanted to have an Alfa Romeo. And we wanted to have a beautiful flat together with a big-screen television. I wanted to have a big stereo like the ones they had in those days, with those big speaker towers. And we wanted a good futon.

She said she wanted to earn enough money so that she never had to think about prices when she went into a shop. Also, she wanted to go and eat out any time she wanted. I wanted to earn enough money not only to buy all those things, but also to work only half the day. Because for the rest of the day I wanted to ride my skateboard and play tennis.

So first thing, we checked out all the apartments that the commune had rented in its heyday and that had now become available to individuals. We chose one and asked the owner if we could pay after we got the money together. The owner agreed and we received the flat.

I got my driver’s license, found a job as a part-time graphic designer, and for the rest of the day I was on my skateboard or playing tennis. Shivani landed a job with UBS Bank as a programmer. (She had started some Maths studies at university, which she didn’t finish, but they still hired her.) She made 8000 Swiss Francs a month already during her training. She finally had money, and could do anything she wanted.

Our life was all about fulfilling that list. It took six months. I had my BMW. She had her Alfa Romeo, a white one. We had our big television screen, stereo, a futon, everything. And, when we heard that Osho was in Greece, we had enough money to immediately book tickets, take some time off from work and go and see him. It was great!

After we had all these things, my life became more difficult. I had the feeling that something was missing. Something… There was no longer that drive to have more. Suddenly I no longer had any worldly desires. And yet there was something missing. Also my body was not doing too well, and I needed to find a healer. Yeah, it was a most difficult time.

At this point I felt a strong call to go to the Humaniversity and visit Chandrika, who had been the leader of the Zurich Centre. When I arrived, a one-month long workshop was just starting. They had one once a year. I did not know anything about this group, but anyway, I ended up doing it. It was called ‘Giggle Shock’. During this group it became clear to me that I needed to go to Poona, where Osho had now moved. I really needed to.

Back in Zurich I told Shivani that I needed to go to Poona. She, however, wanted to stay in Switzerland and continue with her training. So off I went to India.

I was very happy there. I liked it! Until one day a friend of mine, who had just arrived from Zurich, came up to me and said he had seen Shivani, that she looked very good and happy – and that she had fallen in love with Ramraj, a friend of mine.

For me… it was impossible to think that she could be in love with somebody else. My soulmate? In total despair I called her, and she confirmed that it was true. It was terrible! I was really suffering. I didn’t know what to do. In this suffering I felt so helpless. I even stopped going to the ashram. I was in such despair.

Then an inner voice came and said, “Shivananda, paint. Paint!”

I followed the voice, went to MG Road, bought colours and A3-paper pads, and started painting. And I painted non-stop for three weeks. I would usually just eat something quickly at the Chinese Room – and back to painting. I was living in Stavely Road near MG Road in a beautiful villa. Nice veranda. I was crying and painting and then, exhausted, I would fall onto my bed and sleep.

Then one day, when I woke up I looked at the paintings. I could not believe my eyes: they were amazing! I had never painted like that before.

I have always painted, since I was a child. I also painted with Meera, but I always had the idea that I had to paint an object, a plant or something. Now these new paintings were totally abstract, totally free and full of colour, full of energy, full of expression. And so many were coming out, stacks of them, big stacks!

Then Shivani arrived with her new boyfriend. When I saw them together, I could see that they were truly in love with each other. Although they had not been together for very long, I had the feeling that what she said was true, that they were in love with each other. And I was just standing there like an idiot, trying to make it un-happen or something. To see them together was very painful, but at the same time, now that they were actually here in front of me and I could feel the pain, it was better than before, when it was only in my imagination. I could see it was a reality. I had to face it. So, through this painting spree I went through the pain.

I did not feel jealousy as such. The pain was more in the disappointment that I had to give up the concept of the ‘soulmate’. I had invested my whole soul, my whole life in this woman and now everything is suddenly falling apart? I was shattered: the idea of soulmate is not true. Now what?

The good thing which came out of all of this was that it gave me a totally new dimension for painting, and also a new way of seeing and perceiving colours. I was in a fever, a new enthusiasm was there in my life. More and more I got into painting, and slowly slowly I developed the feeling that maybe I was a painter, and not just a graphic designer who also paints.

I am a painter!

First exhibition in Brazil, and now painting in Corfu and Munich

Soon my money ran out and I had to go back to the West to make more in order to come back again. Before I left, I had a strong feeling to show some of my paintings to Osho. I looked through the ones from that time when I was painting like a madman, and also through some older ones, and chose a bunch. I took them to the ashram, went to see Anando and said, “I would love to show Osho some of my paintings.” She replied, “Oh, what a great idea. I am just going to see him right now. I think now is a good time. You just wait here.”

I remember sitting in Bodhidharma Café, waiting. Anando came back with the paintings and said, “I showed them to him and he loved them. He just loved them. And from the 30 paintings he chose 29 to be used as book covers.”

“He particularly liked this one with the rose,” she added. Underneath I had written: “Born to be myself.”

This for me was a real boost!

And then she said, “He also wants you to have this towel.”

When I asked which painting he had not chosen, she showed it to me: “No, not this one,” he had said. And when she had asked him why not, he had pointed to a particular place, “No, this looks like a skull.” I looked at the spot she was pointing at, but I could not see anything. “Yeah, he said that. I don’t see a skull. Do you see a skull?”

“I don’t see a skull, either. I don’t see a difference from the other paintings,” I replied.

“Well, anyway, that’s what he said.”

It took me a while to digest that and to also accept it. And to find out the meaning. First I painted over it because if it looks like a skull as Osho says, then let’s go over it and do something with it…

Only later, in a therapy group, it suddenly came to me. The message was, “Go with life not with death.” To get a yes for 29 paintings, there must be a lot of life in them, but there was a tendency to die in there too. Because of the love affair ending, I had felt so much pain. I was thinking of suicide, of jumping from the Blue Diamond rooftop. It then became clear to me what Osho had seen. He wanted to give me the hint to go with life, to choose life, not death. It was an amazing message. So short!

It was not really important for me if my paintings were going to be used as book covers or not. That was secondary. The point for me was that out of 30 paintings Osho had chosen 29, and for his books. This was for me a total Yes, an initiation of me as a painter, a confirmation that I am painter.

I must say that only when I went to Brazil did I have the courage to say, “From today on I am a painter!” But my life experience has confirmed that this was the right way. And Osho was a big part in this.

That is how I became a painter.