A man complains to his neighbour, “Your son has been p****ing in the snow.” “How do you know it was my son that did it?” “He wrote his name.” “So – what’s your problem?” “It’s my daughter’s handwriting!” A swimming pool attendant complains to a man about his son’s behaviour. “Your son’s been peeing
What is brown and sticky? A stick. What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. What’s red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry. What’s yellow and invisible? No bananas. What’s the fastest thing on earth? Milk. It’s pasteurised before you see it. From a five year
A friend of mine told me before it happened that the cast of 12 Years a Slave were bound to clean at the Oscars. I told him that was a disgusting opinion to have in this day and age. My neighbour knocked on my door at 3am this morning! Thankfully I was still up playing
A German couple walks into a bar and order two Martinis. The barman responds: “Certainly. Dry?” “No, ve vant two!” they reply. An Englishman asks a German: What is between fear and sex? Fünf! Angela Merkel arrives in Greece. Customs Officer (inspecting her passport): “Occupation?” Angela Merkel: “No, just visiting.” Birth announcement
Little Tommy went to school looking all stressed out and upset. In his school bag he brought his cat along. Teacher asks Tommy, “Why have you brought your cat to school?” Tommy looks up with a tear in his eyes and with quivering lips cries, “I’m saving his life! Before I came to school I
Three ascetics sit in a cave meditating. One ascetic opens the eyes and sees a horse gallop by the cave opening. A year later, the ascetic says, “Did you see that grey horse go by?” Another year rolls around, second ascetic says, “That was not a grey horse, it was a white horse.” Another year
One Sunday, standing on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
A selection from The Guardian comments.
A selection from The Guardian
A court sentences a Frenchman, an Englishman and a Bosnian to 20 years solitary confinement. All three defendants are warned that the doors of their cells won’t be opened for the duration of the sentence so they are to make a list of all the things they’ll need for two decades. The Frenchman asks for
Adolf Hitler is getting worried about his public image, as things aren’t going too well for Germany, so he decides to put on a disguise and go and talk with some ordinary Berlin residents. He meets this guy in the street and starts a conversation with him. Hitler then asks the guy “What do think
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One. What did you expect you sexist pig! (or “No-one knows, it has never been done.”) How many gender equality ombudsmen do you need to change a light bulb? None. Let the cow wash up in the dark. (from Finland) How many Germans does it
A Belorussian says to the other, “After all that’s happening in the Crimea I will have to stop speaking Russian!” The other Belorussian says, “Why, are you scared that you will be attacked by Ukrainians if they hear you?” The first Belorussian replies, “No, but I am scared that the Russians may come to save
Knock, knock……..Who’s there? Amos…………….Amos who? Amosquito. Knock, knock……….Who’s there? Ann……………….Ann who? Ann other mosquito Knock, knock……….Who’s there? Helen……………..Helen who? Helen other mosquito! Knock, knock………..Who’s there? Shirley…………….Shirley who? Shirley, not another mosquito! Credit: comments to The Guardian
Doc checks out 88 year old Ole at his old folks home. “You’re fit as a fiddle, heart like a fifty year old. How are you feeling emotionally?” “Great! You know, Helga, at the end of the hall, and I are getting married next month.” “Wow! That’s fantastic. Er, uh, but I think I should
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
An Irishman, a Mexican and a German were doing construction work on a scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
A famous quote by Meher Baba and used in a song by musician Bobby McFerrin used by mainstream media in the US.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life.
Q: Is Romance Dead? A: Never! The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She sent the following
“Papa,” little Sammy asks his father. “What is the stockmarket?” “Oh, Sammy,” replies the father, “you are much too small to understand!” “I am not too small! I want to know, now!” Sammy protested. “Ach, wait a few years, then you will understand better.” “Papa, I don’t want to start life poor, like you, selling
An elderly couple is having problems remembering things, so they decide to go to their doctor for a checkup.
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids. The children began to identify the flavours by their colour: Red……………….Raspberry Yellow…………….Lemon Green……………..Lime Orange ……………Orange Finally the teacher gave them all ‘Honey’ lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, “I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it